Life After Levi

It's been an emotional Christmas. After we closed up the shop Christmas Eve we packed up the car and went out to the cemetery before heading to my parents' house. I don't go out there as often anymore which makes it harder sometimes when I do go now because I feel like it's neglected. The feelings are so conflicting- I don't believe that Levi is there- sure his body is but his soul is long gone- but at the same time when I see the grass and weeds growing up too high I feel guilt. The tears flowed for a while driving down but by the time we reached my in-law's to drop off our dog I was ok. I've never been the most talkative person in my family (though most would not say I'm shy or quiet) but I've noticed that since Levi died I've become even more withdrawn around people. I listen in on the conversations of others without adding my thoughts- generally because I now have a hard time engaging in light hearted conversation. I also tend to give short r...

Yesterday a lady I barely know found out I was pregnant. She was so excited she bought me the cutest little baby security blanket! Even more touching to me was when she told me how much she'd been praying for us :) I am amazed that people that barely know me care so much about me and how I'm doing. Today I needed that security blanket myself. I went to the doctor today- everything with the baby is good- but I struggled making January's appointment. I asked for an extra appointment to get through the month- the doctor told me she'd be happy to make an appointment for me to see a nurse and hear the heartbeat. I think subconsciously I was hoping for an extra ultrasound- especially now that I have the Doppler at home. I haven't been anxious about Christmas- but I'm worried I'll be worried all of January with this baby. I went ahead and made the appointment, but I'll probably end up canceling it. We'll see. I'm hoping it's like last year- the anti...

The feelings of forgiveness are fading and I'm not happy with that. The recent diagnosis of gestational diabetes has me questioning my previous moron doctors. I was told that I failed the one hour test so they had me take the three hour test. At first they called me to tell me I'd failed that as well... then when I got to the office to talk to them about it they told me they'd read the results wrong and I was only a little high on one of the hours so I wasn't in danger. They never tested again, nor did they ever show any concerns with any levels in my urine. Now I wonder. Was this the cause of Levi's death? I'm sure one of my friends was well meaning when she told me that it would be a relief for her to know the cause... I can't say the same is true for me. If it were the liver issues then it may possibly have helped knowing, simply because that's not something that's normally tested for, and I didn't have any signs of itchiness with Levi....

Well- I can breathe again- at least a little. I'm now done with my first semester and my grades are submitted, so I'm just down to one job :) I'm really hoping the shop will keep me busy, but sadly the weather has been really warm so sales have been down. I really enjoyed teaching at the community college- there were a few things that surprised me and a few things that stressed me out but for the most part it was a nice challenge (plus it made these first 20 weeks of the pregnancy go by really quickly). Friday we drove down for the appointment and got to Tallahassee really early, so we decided to kill some time at the bookstore close to the hospital... which made my mother panic. She kept calling to find out where we were (she got there at least 30 mins early- and just waited) but when I tried calling back I couldn't get a hold of her. The poor moms were really happy to see us walk in (right on time I might add). I'm not sure I can say the same for the nurse- we wer...

I saw a status update on facebook that made me think. I don't know the whole story so please know that I'm only sharing my reaction. From what I can gather, the person posting the status was talking to someone yesterday and they later went and committed suicide... she wondered aloud if there had been anything she could have said or done differently that could've made a difference. I don't know their conversation, I don't know what was said yesterday, I don't even know the name of the person that committed suicide. I only know what thoughts it brought to my own mind. Reading that made me think back to the early days after Levi's death when I wouldn't have minded dying myself. Please don't misunderstand, I didn't want to commit suicide- but I wouldn't have been upset to have been in a fatal accident or something. I thought about the people that didn't say or do the 'right' things. I'm not going to lie- there were people that sai...

This month I wanted to share the ways I included Levi into Christmas last year with everyone from Kelly's site- The Beauty of Sufficient Grace . If you are feeling lost wondering what to do this Christmas head over there and I hope you find some ideas and comfort. Last year at Christmas I just tried to stay busy at the store. It's strange- we decorated there and it didn't bother me but I struggled going into other stores- so I didn't. I think I went into one store to buy Tommy's gift, then one to buy gifts for our parents and one to buy an ornament for Levi. Tommy's gift had no sentimental value attached- he got a Nintendo DS just to make him smile. Our parents (besides getting coffee & tea) got an ornament. There's a local engraver in town so I got Levi's hand print etched into crystal (I got one for us too). I had to darken Levi's hand print a little because they couldn't work with any grey scale but you can't tell the difference if y...