Life After Levi

Black Friday. Those two little words can strike fear in the hearts of men and turn normally rational women into an angry, clawing mob. We don't tend to get too incredibly serious about it in my family, but the women tend to leave the men at home to watch football while they leave and shop the sales beginning in the hours before dawn. Our plan of attack begins after we've recovered from stuffing ourselves with the Thanksgiving feast and we pull out the ads searching for the best door buster sales to help us determine where to begin. I'm always amazed, year after year, no matter how early we arrive there's a line of people waiting that got there even earlier- some camping out the night before. We try to hurry in and find what we came for so we can move on to the next store before their deals are snatched up but we never get caught in the trampling or tug-of-wars that you tragically hear about. The weak ones (or maybe the smart ones) get tired and head back to my grandma...

I never understood why people hated the holidays... until last year. I didn't want to sit alone in an empty house but neither did I want to be surrounded by smiling happy people that I had to make small talk with. Last year I struggled with the mere thought of being thankful. Sure, I had my family, my health, a roof over my head and food in my stomach, but I didn't have what I longed for the most. My son was dead. I had to visit his grave rather than pass him around to ooing, aahhing relatives. This year is different. Death has lost its sting and I now have life growing inside. This year I can smile- and mean it. I didn't struggle leading up to Thanksgiving (besides the panic attack I posted about) and wondered if the day itself would bring a rush of emotions, and while there was a twinge of sadness I primarily focused on the things I do have. There was still a highchair missing from the table but this year I found it easier to focus with gratitude for the blessings in my l...

Sunday I started to post and I just couldn't get the words out. This is as far as I got: So its 6 p.m. and I'm still in my pj's. My paranoia took over this morning and while I've calmed down since then I still haven't had the energy to do much of anything. I expect days like this but they're still tough. I'm ok now. The tears have dried (though they started up again on Monday). I'm not feeling as though my world is crashing down again. I still feel so much hope for this baby, but when the waves of grief come they knock me down and I feel like I'm gasping for breath. I feel like the boy's father in Mark 9. Mark 9:24 24Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" I know that God can bring this baby into the world happy and healthy. But sometimes I struggle wondering if He will . That was my struggle on Sunday. I know that ultimately God controls whether this baby lives or dies- not me. I want ...

I keep finding myself wanting to look for things for the nursery this time around and yet I hesitate. I hadn't wanted to find out the gender with Levi so I picked out neutral things but now... I keep thinking maybe it wouldn't hurt to buy some new bedding just for this baby... I bought everything intending that we use it for all of our babies, not just the first... and I hate the thought of wasting money on something when what I have is perfectly good... but still... I keep searching. We'll be finding out the gender this time around too- I think that way mentally I can start thinking of this baby differently. I will be grateful no matter if it's a boy or girl... but part of me hopes that we're having a girl so I don't make more comparisons. I could make the room pink and frilly. I'm really torn about things like showers. I didn't have one with Levi- it was planned for Sunday the 13th... we got the news that Wednesday the 9th... it got canceled. Part of m...

Matthew 10:37-39 37"Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; 38and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. 39Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. It's interesting how things can change. I've read the verse before and pondered on it but it didn't hit home like it does now. We've been studying Joshua in Sunday School and I don't even know what connection they were trying to make with the verse in Matthew... and the person who shared the verse didn't go into any explanation of it either. She just kinda tossed it out there. But my mind focused on it the whole morning. (And since I'm writing this on a Tuesday you can see my mind has continued to dwell on it.) When I'd read that verse before I always wanted to say I was worthy of Christ... not really worthy- I know I can ne...

On Sunday so many emotions kept pushing themselves to the surface. We were talking about reconciliation and the cities of refuge (towns that were set up specifically for people to go to if they killed someone and it was deemed purely accidental). I know that so much of the pain that I carry was not caused on purpose, but it's still so hard to let it go. I struggle so much with reconciliation and truly forgiving. I always think I've let something go and then I see or talk to that person again and I realize I'm back at square one. I know that it's something I need to do- both for me and the other person- and yet... I can't seem to let things go. I want to change... but I don't know how to change. I've prayed for the other people... I've prayed for myself... and I always think that I'm ok- but then when I see them I realize I'm not. I wonder about the cities of refuge. I know the people that left their families and belongings to seek safety made the...