Life After Levi

There's an elephant in the room. He's my elephant, though I didn't ask for him. Some people are afraid of my elephant and me, but my elephant won't hurt them, nor is he contagious. They won't be given their own elephant just because they've reached out and touched mine. There's an elephant in the room. Some people ask about my elephant from afar but try not to notice him when they come into my room. Even when I leave my room my elephant comes with me. My elephant doesn't belong in a zoo or circus, he is my elephant to bear the burden of. There's an elephant in the room. I let people pretend they don't notice my elephant, then I just care for my elephant alone later. I know they've never had their own elephant to care for and aren't used to the looks and smells of mine. Some people have there own elephants and tell me how they've lived with theirs but have a hard time discussing mine. I think they might be scared that my elephant might...

I’ve got so many emotions now I don’t know how to deal with them all. Tommy and I are going to be moving soon (still in Bainbridge... well just outside of Bainbridge anyway). We’d been looking at places with a realtor in December & early January and put a bid on a house before I ever went to the hospital. Yesterday was our closing and afterwards we walked through the house & started thinking about how our own things would look in each of the rooms. It was hard as we talked about which room would be the study vs the guest bedroom/nursery. I know we’ll have a baby to lay in the crib one day but instead of preparing the room for Levi we’ll be planting a memorial garden for him. I’m excited about the house but can’t help but think about the plans we originally had for it. It’s all very bittersweet. The other emotions running wild are from this morning. We had our normal Thursday morning Bible study and one of the women babysits a little baby girl no more than three months ol...

Today is Maundy Thursday or Holy Thursday... the day Jesus celebrated Passover with the deciples in what we now refer to the Last Supper. Seven years ago I was baptized on Maundy Thursday (the date itself I can’t remember as Easter changes with the Jewish calendar) and so tonight I was reflecting back on my faith and growth as a Christian. For my friends that knew me growing up and even those that knew me in college you may have assumed that I’ve been a Christian for more than just the past seven years but that’s not the case. It wasn’t just a facade though, I truly was seeking God but it wasn’t until the summer I was 20 that I surrendered control of my life. I’d love to say that I’ve been the perfect Christian since then but like everyone I’ve fallen way short of the mark but each time I try to pick myself up and start again. As undeserving as I am God has blessed my life. Even though there’s been pain and sorrows this year God has still brought blessings and I feel I must praise ...

The past couple of days have been rough and fairly stressful. Why do we take out our stress on those people that love us the most? I’ve got friends but Tommy is really the only person that I tell my innermost thoughts and feelings to (well... sometimes I also talk to my mother & mother in law). Yesterday though I lashed out on Tommy and when I saw the hurt on his face it crushed me inside and I lost it. I don’t want to push away the only person I rely on and yet I did- Why do we do these things? Luckily for me Tommy is a very forgiving person and today is a new day. He knows that I was upset at other people but he was the one there to bear the brunt of my feelings.

Two months ago from the 9th I found out there was no heartbeat. Two months ago today I got to meet Levi in person following my c-section. How do you tell people that you’re a childless mother? How do you say my child is dead? I’ve struggled with this because we have people that come in and knew I was pregnant but don’t know I lost Levi and I feel like I always get that deer in the headlights look and mumble out a response. I told one woman that Levi was stillborn and then she was extremely appoligetic for asking but I feel that there is no need to appoligize for that. She was simply being polite in remembering that we were expecting. I don’t want to deny having had Levi- he’ll always be my firstborn son- but I don’t want to freak people out either. I’ve joined some groups online and they refer to stillborns as angel babies which doesn’t quite mesh with my religious beliefs- there are angels and there are humans and humans don’t become angels and angels don’t become human. They also ...

Today marks two months since we went to the doctor and found that there was no heartbeat. I was having a crappy weekend anyway and then it hit me what today's date is. Yesterday was really rough for reasons I won't mention and then came today. I woke up and tried to quietly get things done around the house while I let Tommy sleep a little longer. After he woke up we sat down to a bowl of cereal and flipped on the tv and after channel surfing came across the morning news. Following a commercial break a segment came on about the history of day light saving time and we panicked- we didn't have an hour and a half to get ready for church- we had half an hour. And so the day began. We actually made it on time with my hair sopping wet (but then that's normal since I only use a blow dryer once or twice a year) and realized that there were quite a few people that didn't get the memo on the time change. Everything was ok during the service until the children's messa...