Life After Levi

I feel like I’ve got my feet in two worlds and I don’t always know how to handle it or balance it. I don’t always feel like I fit in with the mom group… I’m not a stay at home mom and yet I’m not working full time either. I don’t have the innocence that many of them have and can’t always relate to everything. Yet I feel like I don’t always feel like I fit in the loss community either. It’s not that I’ve forgotten or moved on now that I have a child but joy has come in the morning. I’ve recently met two women who lost their sons almost exactly three years after Levi died… it’s just so strange because at the same time I’m involved with forming a small group of moms through our church. Two worlds and I’m in both… but not really. Where do I fit? What is my role? I feel like I’m not the right person in either case. I don’t know how apparent it is to other people- especially those that know me from the coffee shop- but I’m timid with new people. Inviting people to join in has been a big step...

I never understood why people hated the holidays... until last year. I didn't want to sit alone in an empty house but neither did I want to be surrounded by smiling happy people that I had to make small talk with. Last year I struggled with the mere thought of being thankful. Sure, I had my family, my health, a roof over my head and food in my stomach, but I didn't have what I longed for the most. My son was dead. I had to visit his grave rather than pass him around to ooing, aahhing relatives. This year is different. Death has lost its sting and I now have life growing inside. This year I can smile- and mean it. I didn't struggle leading up to Thanksgiving (besides the panic attack I posted about) and wondered if the day itself would bring a rush of emotions, and while there was a twinge of sadness I primarily focused on the things I do have. There was still a highchair missing from the table but this year I found it easier to focus with gratitude for the blessings in my l...

I'm going to miss my Tallahassee support group. I've been going there for a year now but our employees have left us one by one for greener pastures & while we're happy for them I'm going to miss having them here. Our employees have given me time to heal in so many ways, they've worked and remained focused when I wasn't able to direct myself, much less them. All of that is for another post but one thing I'll miss out on without them here to cover the shop will be my support group I've been going to. The timing of the group up here wasn't planned that way but I'm glad it's working out the way that it is. On Monday we were talking about vocabulary and how it often doesn't fit grief. I found myself agreeing that there are words that just don't match what I'm feeling but they're the closest descriptions I know. (Which means I should probably work a little on my vocab, surely there are better, more descriptive terms?!?) Twice ...

Tommy was so sweet on Tuesday (and the rest of the days too). He brought me roses to let me know he was thinking of Levi too and to brighten my day. Some of the conversations surrounding the roses have been interesting. Some have brought deeper connections; I've found out about a few losses that I didn't know of before. Only one poured salt in my wounds; after she inquired the reason for the flowers and I told her it marked 1 1/2 years after Levi's death she informed me that it is now time to have another. I think I made her uncomfortable when I politely told her we're working on it. The majority of the people just admire the roses and don't ask what they're for unless to jokingly ask if Tommy got in trouble for something. Unless they specifically ask, I haven't bothered explaining the occasion behind the gift and just let them be admired by all- a ray of sunshine from Levi. I've been feeling really good about the place I'm in and can see how far I...