Life After Levi

Passover- I wonder what the Pharaoh thought when Moses told him that all the firstborn sons would die in the night. Was my heart hardened when I first had that inclination? Or was God just preparing my heart heart for the loss to come? Did Pharaoh even tell the other Egyptians? Would it have mattered? Obviously word quickly spread through the Israelite community and they prepared... the blood of the lambs protected them. I'm so grateful for the blood of The Lamb that protects me still. The angel of death has visited my household- but while it robbed Levi of his breath, it did not steal his eternal life, nor did it rob me of my hope. We go from Passover- a celebration that death did not stop at the Israelite homes. A celebration I feel I can not partake in... but then Easter comes... and while death had occurred, it did not have power over the grave!! That's something worth celebrating to me! I wonder what Jesus thought of the irony as he sat to dine at his final Passover feast?...

Fear and panic. I praise God that He's given me peace through most of this pregnancy- even through the complications. But I'm human. And fear still creeps in. Last Thursday was one of those days. I woke up and didn't notice M. moving like she has been most mornings. I tried not to panic and did kick counts. She was moving more than I realized (10 moves in 30 mins) but not as much as she normally does (normally she'll hit 10 in 10-20 mins). I pulled out the doppler and listened to the thumping of her heart. Despite doing this though I still couldn't shake the grip of fear. I tried praying. I took a two hour nap. I tried distracting myself with tv. I tried voicing my fears to Tommy (but also let him know how the kick counts had gone). But I couldn't focus on anything except each kick and movement. I finally put on my ipod and went into the garden... for whatever reason my activity gave her more energy (normally my movements will lull her to sleep) so that helped s...

Its 3 am and I can't sleep. We're starting a new chapter of our lives soon... very soon. On Saturday we'll be closing our doors to the coffee shop as we know it. Tommy will start a new full time job on Monday. It's the manna I've been praying for. When our insurance went up in October we began to really worry about finances. In December when sales reflected the economy we knew it was time to start job hunting and thinking about closing. We had hoped the part time job Tommy found would be the answer... And in many ways it truly was an answer to prayer. It didn't start as early as we thought it would so Tommy didn't have to worry about the time he spent with me while I was in the hospital... As far as meeting our financial needs though... we could tell right away that it wasn't the answer. So Tommy kept searching. I am thankful for the manna. A family friend with some connections met with Tommy and said he thought he could get him a nice job......

I completely forgot to mention this yesterday but I'm now officially in my third trimester!!! Today I was reading the Psalms so I thought I'd share. Psalm 8 A psalm of David. 1 O LORD, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth! You have set your glory above the heavens. 2 From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise because of your enemies, to silence the foe and the avenger. I often don't think of infants as praising God... children- yes- and their innocent faith and fervernt prayers can be so moving... but I just don't think about it with infants. So I checked out a couple of different versions of this verse and many of them made a much stronger connection between the first and second parts of the verse- and I can see that. As we go through life we might (ok- will) step on toes and push people away from us. But babies- it's hard to say anything bad about a baby. They're helpless. ...

We have a stubborn baby on our hands. She really doesn't like the monitor too much and moves away when they try to get a good read of her heartbeat. It's there and it's strong and I can feel her moving but she doesn't seem to like it. (Which makes me wonder what the sound waves really sound like to her.) I started thinking though. How many times are we like that? We find discomfort from things and so we run from them. But we don't see the big picture. We don't see that this discomfort is to make sure we're strong enough. My little Beanie Baby doesn't realize that we're just wanting to make sure she's ok anymore than I understand some of the things I'm going through. Sometimes I can look back and see the reasons, sometimes I can't. But just because I can't see the reason doesn't mean there wasn't one. Tommy's new part time job didn't start right away like we expected it to... but that meant last week because we'd al...

Tomorrow is going to be strange. We're closing the shop on Mondays and Tuesdays beginning this Monday. It isn't because we want to but rather because we need to. Insurance is killing us- it's more than our mortgage- and with the economy we just can't seem to make up for it. Tommy has a potential part time job lined up that he'll be working Mondays, Tuesdays and Saturday afternoons, so I hope and pray that having a stable income is the help we need (I know it may seem strange to close up in order to make money but Monday & Tuesday are the slowest days for us and it gets expensive training people and paying for labor in our absence). I'm teaching again this semester- but not very many hours so my supplemental income isn't supplementing very much. My plan was to stay at home after the baby... but I'm starting to accept that I may be teaching in the fall as well. (That makes our mothers happy because they would be forced to come up and watch the baby for...

So far January hasn't been as hard as I prepared myself for. I made it through the 2nd just fine, the 9th I struggled a little but was ok, the days in between haven't been a problem... yesterday... well yesterday was rough. I'm not gonna lie. I practically woke up in tears. I cried for Levi. I cried for the carefree life I once had... when I thought I had all of life's answers (ok- so most of life's answers). I cried when we went to the cemetery and thought I'd pulled it together by the time we made it to the doctor's office... but I cried there too. Tears flowed silently but steadily the whole time they preformed the ultrasound. They were tears of sorrow for Levi and tears of relief for the heart I saw beating still inside. She didn't move or wave for me this time while onscreen but it was enough. I did manage to contain my tears while talking to the doctor afterwards though. The blood clotting disorder that I have is the most minor form of the least se...

The day started with a call from my mom... she was feeling sick so she didn't want to come to the ultrasound and risk getting me sick too...so we called Tommy's mom and invited her to come up again (she also got to see the 16 week ultrasound). We had the store covered so that Tommy could also join me at the appointment and we took the new video camera my parents had gotten us for Christmas. I've replayed what Tommy filmed once in the past two years. He played peek-a-boo with the big belly using the shutter of the camera. I laughed at his silliness thinking what a good dad he'd be. They called us back before Tommy's mom arrived and I remember trying to think of stall tactics so she wouldn't miss anything. I actually didn't need to because they started giving us all kinds of consent forms and explaining how to pre-register at the hospital. Tommy's mom finally made it just before the ultrasound began. The nurse started out pointing everything out with Tommy...

They say silence is golden... but I know better. I have heard the silence when I should have heard the beating of a heart. There were no cries when he was born. I have seen and felt the stillness of my son. I would have done anything to get rid of the silence... to hear his cries and coos... to feel him kick and squirm. Two years later I find unimaginable joy in the thumping of this new baby's heart... but it won't make his beat again. I find comfort with each movement and kick that she makes... but he remains still. There have been many tears shed these past two years for what could have been... but there has been comfort and peace as well. The tears do not flow as often or as heavy as they once did- but when they come I let them come and don't hold back. The shock has worn off and reality set in a while ago. I know this is a nightmare I won't wake up from. I do not wish that this were my life... but it is. I have learned valuable lessons that I never wanted t...

I saw a status update on facebook that made me think. I don't know the whole story so please know that I'm only sharing my reaction. From what I can gather, the person posting the status was talking to someone yesterday and they later went and committed suicide... she wondered aloud if there had been anything she could have said or done differently that could've made a difference. I don't know their conversation, I don't know what was said yesterday, I don't even know the name of the person that committed suicide. I only know what thoughts it brought to my own mind. Reading that made me think back to the early days after Levi's death when I wouldn't have minded dying myself. Please don't misunderstand, I didn't want to commit suicide- but I wouldn't have been upset to have been in a fatal accident or something. I thought about the people that didn't say or do the 'right' things. I'm not going to lie- there were people that sai...

I never understood why people hated the holidays... until last year. I didn't want to sit alone in an empty house but neither did I want to be surrounded by smiling happy people that I had to make small talk with. Last year I struggled with the mere thought of being thankful. Sure, I had my family, my health, a roof over my head and food in my stomach, but I didn't have what I longed for the most. My son was dead. I had to visit his grave rather than pass him around to ooing, aahhing relatives. This year is different. Death has lost its sting and I now have life growing inside. This year I can smile- and mean it. I didn't struggle leading up to Thanksgiving (besides the panic attack I posted about) and wondered if the day itself would bring a rush of emotions, and while there was a twinge of sadness I primarily focused on the things I do have. There was still a highchair missing from the table but this year I found it easier to focus with gratitude for the blessings in my l...

Sunday I started to post and I just couldn't get the words out. This is as far as I got: So its 6 p.m. and I'm still in my pj's. My paranoia took over this morning and while I've calmed down since then I still haven't had the energy to do much of anything. I expect days like this but they're still tough. I'm ok now. The tears have dried (though they started up again on Monday). I'm not feeling as though my world is crashing down again. I still feel so much hope for this baby, but when the waves of grief come they knock me down and I feel like I'm gasping for breath. I feel like the boy's father in Mark 9. Mark 9:24 24Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" I know that God can bring this baby into the world happy and healthy. But sometimes I struggle wondering if He will . That was my struggle on Sunday. I know that ultimately God controls whether this baby lives or dies- not me. I want ...

Matthew 10:37-39 37"Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; 38and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. 39Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. It's interesting how things can change. I've read the verse before and pondered on it but it didn't hit home like it does now. We've been studying Joshua in Sunday School and I don't even know what connection they were trying to make with the verse in Matthew... and the person who shared the verse didn't go into any explanation of it either. She just kinda tossed it out there. But my mind focused on it the whole morning. (And since I'm writing this on a Tuesday you can see my mind has continued to dwell on it.) When I'd read that verse before I always wanted to say I was worthy of Christ... not really worthy- I know I can ne...

Well... I expected it at some point. I made it a while without fear and anxiety and hope to return but for now I'm panic stricken and fearful. I can no longer tell what fears are rational and what fears are my paranoia... though after some googling of some symptoms I had I decided not to rush the hour and a half to the ER... at this stage I doubt they'd do much anyways besides tell me to stay off my feet. So that's what I did. I called my doctor in the morning and they reassured me some but I still can't put all the fear out of my mind. Sigh... I have a doctor's appointment in less than a week and I'm scheduled for an ultrasound. They also set me up with another ultrasound with a high risk guy for a month from yesterday so at this point I'm happy with the care they're giving me... but I'm still struggling to shake the fear. Time in prayer helped... I know I need to spend more time doing that. But it's also hard giving up control. I want to seek G...

Romans 12:11-13 (New International Version) 11Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Joyful in hope My heart is full of hope today! I went and talked to another local hospital about giving out the pregnancy loss kits and just walked away feeling so touched!!!! The nurse-manager of the OB department was so encouraging and caring! They already have some wonderful things they do when women suffer a later loss but I think this will compliment that well. I know so often people want to be in the OB units because it's such a happy place but it's nice knowing there are those that understand the harsh reality that it is generally a happy place... not always. I cannot completely stop other families from suffering the same fate that we have but I can do my best to provide comfort during their time of need. I cannot do it ...

I've been reading the Psalms lately. It's interesting how experience can open one's eyes. I used to wonder why some of the Psalms were exclaiming the praises of God and others were wondering why God had forsaken them. I used to think King David was bi-polar... while he might have been I question that uneducated diagnosis and conclusion I was so quick to jump to. I didn't know any better then, now I realize the depths of his words. He knowingly sent a man to his death so that his infidelity wouldn't be discovered and then buried the child from that union. I'm sure that his heart was troubled during this time. He knew he was responsible for pain and sorrow. He'd had so many things going for him and in many ways he threw it all away. He still praised God for the blessings he had but cried out in the days of darkness. I've never knowingly caused physical harm like this but I understand the complexities of emotions a little better now. I have great pain and s...

one giant leap for me!!! Last week I shared some of the ways I'd faced my fears and realized I was stronger than I thought... well the trend continued. There's a new couple in town and the wife has been coming into the coffee shop. Well... she invited me to her place for an open house so I went. Did I mention she's also pregnant and showing? (And for J. she drinks decaf so I didn't even have to think about throwing bagels at her :)) I went back and forth on the issue... to go or not to go- that was the question. I finally decided that once again I needed to face my fears. I don't want to avoid people my whole life and while I needed to protect myself for a while I feel that time is passing. I have to rip the band aid off if I want to heal more fully. I'm glad I went though- she seems really nice and it wasn't that long ago that we were the new ones in town... and expecting. The timing feels so strange though because she's only a little further than I was...

Monday I weeded the garden for an hour and a half ... and only got through about a third of it. It's just been too hot lately- the temperatures here have been in the triple digits but it needed to be done. I didn't want the weeds choking the plants out, plus it just wasn't looking all that pretty anymore. All my free time in the garden lately has been spent watering, the heat has dried everything out so that it's a daily need. The garden... such a symbol of the soul. I know I'm repeating myself on some things but when I go out to the garden and really spend time out there I feel like I can just see the scripture through new eyes and with new understanding. Forgive me if I bore you but I just can't help myself sometimes. I've come to notice that hydrangeas are called that for a reason- the 'hydro' thing is so true- they suck up the water and look sad and droopy if they go a day without it. I've noticed people are that way too. Isaiah 1:30 You will...

These two definitions seem so different but I've really been struggling with them lately. Test : 1 achiefly British : cupel b (1): a critical examination, observation, or evaluation : trial ; specifically : the procedure of submitting a statement to such conditions or operations as will lead to its proof or disproof or to its acceptance or rejection (2): a basis for evaluation : criterion c: an ordeal or oath required as proof of conformity with a set of beliefs Trust: 1 a: assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something b: one in which confidence is placed2 a: dependence on something future or contingent : hope b: reliance on future payment for property (as merchandise) delivered : credit I trust God and He is far above any evaluation I could ever give Him but still I worry sometimes that I'm testing. I know I can rely on Him, I know His character is good but it's hard sometimes when I'm in the midst of trials to not want...

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6 I know this verse, but knowing and following are two different things. I was very anxious in the week leading up to Mother's day. I couldn't even say the word's Mother's Day without getting a tremble in my voice. It was the same way leading up to January... except the anxiety started much sooner then. I don't know why I didn't learn from January, but I didn't. I was dreading Sunday. I did bring my requests for prayers for peace & comfort to those around me. Their prayers were answered & many sent me words of comfort. Once again I had a peace that I don't understand. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7 It may seem strange but knowing God is taking care of these small details like having peace on Mother's day hel...