Well... I expected it at some point. I made it a while without fear and anxiety and hope to return but for now I'm panic stricken and fearful. I can no longer tell what fears are rational and what fears are my paranoia... though after some googling of some symptoms I had I decided not to rush the hour and a half to the ER... at this stage I doubt they'd do much anyways besides tell me to stay off my feet. So that's what I did. I called my doctor in the morning and they reassured me some but I still can't put all the fear out of my mind. Sigh... I have a doctor's appointment in less than a week and I'm scheduled for an ultrasound. They also set me up with another ultrasound with a high risk guy for a month from yesterday so at this point I'm happy with the care they're giving me... but I'm still struggling to shake the fear. Time in prayer helped... I know I need to spend more time doing that. But it's also hard giving up control. I want to seek God's will... but I want God's will to be a happy healthy baby in my arms next April. I know that I really don't have control of this baby anyways... in my head. But my heart still wants reassurance that God's will equals my happiness. I've been through enough to know that happiness is never promised and joy can be found even when there are unhappy circumstances but I still keep hoping. There will be no bargains made with God though... no matter what happens with this little one I've felt blessed to be a mother once again. I pray that I do have the chance to raise this one but most importantly I trust God for the future, however long that may be. Anyway... I know this is rambly and all over the place but that's how my thoughts have been today... bouncing between fear and trust...
Besides the group and classes, this week has brought more changes. If you know me in real life please share in our joy but don't spread the news just yet. For those of you who are grieving I'm sorry if this announcement causes more pain... I know how difficult it can be to feel as though everyone else's time has come but yours. Only one word popped up this time... Pregnant. I suspected that I'd see it, but worried that I wouldn't. I waited to find out... I didn't want to find out exciting news that would make it hard to focus on the tasks that were important this week. I didn't want to find out bad news that would make it hard to focus on the tasks that were important this week. So I waited... but now I know for sure. This part of the waiting is over... but now the real waiting begins. That one little word changes everything. It changed everything before too. Now it's different though. I'm not inoccent anymore... and yet I can't contain my ...
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((HUGS)) I wish I could do more for you.