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Wave of fear

Well... I expected it at some point. I made it a while without fear and anxiety and hope to return but for now I'm panic stricken and fearful. I can no longer tell what fears are rational and what fears are my paranoia... though after some googling of some symptoms I had I decided not to rush the hour and a half to the ER... at this stage I doubt they'd do much anyways besides tell me to stay off my feet. So that's what I did. I called my doctor in the morning and they reassured me some but I still can't put all the fear out of my mind. Sigh... I have a doctor's appointment in less than a week and I'm scheduled for an ultrasound. They also set me up with another ultrasound with a high risk guy for a month from yesterday so at this point I'm happy with the care they're giving me... but I'm still struggling to shake the fear. Time in prayer helped... I know I need to spend more time doing that. But it's also hard giving up control. I want to seek God's will... but I want God's will to be a happy healthy baby in my arms next April. I know that I really don't have control of this baby anyways... in my head. But my heart still wants reassurance that God's will equals my happiness. I've been through enough to know that happiness is never promised and joy can be found even when there are unhappy circumstances but I still keep hoping. There will be no bargains made with God though... no matter what happens with this little one I've felt blessed to be a mother once again. I pray that I do have the chance to raise this one but most importantly I trust God for the future, however long that may be. Anyway... I know this is rambly and all over the place but that's how my thoughts have been today... bouncing between fear and trust...
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Comments

Debby@Just Breathe said…
I will pray for you and your baby.
((HUGS)) I wish I could do more for you.
September 17, 2009 at 6:10 PM
Bree said…
Praying for the baby, but praying for you to have some peace, as well. Take it day by day, hour by hour if you need too. Hang in there!
September 17, 2009 at 7:35 PM
Mary said…
Keeping you in my prayers. Hoping "God's will to be a happy healthy baby" in your arms too.
September 17, 2009 at 8:38 PM
Dana said…
Praying for you and your little one!
September 18, 2009 at 8:42 AM
Amy said…
Praying for you and your little one. I, too, hope God's will is for a happy healthy baby in your arms.
September 18, 2009 at 4:42 PM
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