Life After Levi

I don't know how I would've reacted to this the first pregnancy. There wasn't much blood- but there was blood none the less. We didn't pass go, we didn't collect two hundred dollars. We went straight to the hospital. Before, chances are, I would've called to see if they wanted me to come in. This time I didn't bother calling. We did make a slight mistake though. I didn't bother packing a bag or anything because I really thought they'd do an ultrasound and exam to make sure the placenta was well attached and send me home on bed rest for a few days. I was wrong. They did the ultrasound and exam but also decided to keep me overnight. They said it's standard for any patient that experiences bleeding so... Tommy got to drive back up to Bainbridge before driving back down to crash on the pull out bed at the hospital. Besides toiletries we'd also left our dog Louie up there and I'm willing to guess it wouldn't have been a pretty sight to see...

We walked into the hospital in a daze. A friend who works there had done as much as she could to check me in and they let my mom finish the rest of the paper work. I just stood and cried. As we walked into the labor and delivery I was touched to see the tears in the eyes of nurses I'd only met once a month before. They'd taken the warming bed out of the room but it still had reminders of the happiness it should have had. They started out trying to soften my cervix... The initial meds did nothing- they had to give me a stronger overnight drug. The following morning began with a pitocin drip to get contractions going. Even when the monitors showed they were strengthening in intensity they caused discomfort but no real pain. By the end of the day, despite increases in the doses of pitocin I really hadn't progressed at all. The doctor told me he wanted to send me home for the weekend to let my body rest and see if it would kick into labor on its own. It didn't. I wondered i...

The feelings of forgiveness are fading and I'm not happy with that. The recent diagnosis of gestational diabetes has me questioning my previous moron doctors. I was told that I failed the one hour test so they had me take the three hour test. At first they called me to tell me I'd failed that as well... then when I got to the office to talk to them about it they told me they'd read the results wrong and I was only a little high on one of the hours so I wasn't in danger. They never tested again, nor did they ever show any concerns with any levels in my urine. Now I wonder. Was this the cause of Levi's death? I'm sure one of my friends was well meaning when she told me that it would be a relief for her to know the cause... I can't say the same is true for me. If it were the liver issues then it may possibly have helped knowing, simply because that's not something that's normally tested for, and I didn't have any signs of itchiness with Levi....

Romans 12:11-13 (New International Version) 11Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Joyful in hope My heart is full of hope today! I went and talked to another local hospital about giving out the pregnancy loss kits and just walked away feeling so touched!!!! The nurse-manager of the OB department was so encouraging and caring! They already have some wonderful things they do when women suffer a later loss but I think this will compliment that well. I know so often people want to be in the OB units because it's such a happy place but it's nice knowing there are those that understand the harsh reality that it is generally a happy place... not always. I cannot completely stop other families from suffering the same fate that we have but I can do my best to provide comfort during their time of need. I cannot do it ...

I'm happy being the hands and feet of Christ but the mouth... I feel totally inadequate. Ok so I feel inadequate next to Christ period but I'm always at a loss for what to say to other people. I got a call the other day... I knew it'd come one day but I still felt unprepared. One of the women who received a kit at the hospital called me in tears. She lost her sweet son recently. I listened more than speaking because I know that's what most people need anyways- there's nothing anyone can say to fix another's pain- but there were times I was at such a loss for words of comfort that she asked if I was still on the line. The pain in her voice... I know that pain. After we hung up I remained shaky for a little while and her cries still resonate with me. ************************************************************** I had to deliver two more kits to the hospital and when I took them into the maternity wing there was a newborn crying as the nurses were swaddling him. B...

Tommy and I went to a wedding last night that I found to be a step in the right direction. I'm not much of a social butterfly... More of the wallflower type. Don't get me wrong- I enjoy being social... But I always feel like I'm bumbling and out of place- and that was before Levi died. Afterwards social events became even more stressful and we generally found excuses not to attend. Something kept nudging me to go to the wedding last night though and I'm glad we did. I knew many of the other guests at the reception so there were no odd 'tell me about yourself' intros and I stuck by my husband's side letting him do most of the talking. I allowed myself to just enjoy the evening which alone seemed major to me but then something more miraculous occured . We were standing near the dance floor when my husband jerked me to the other side of him and told me not to look in the area I'd been in. My first thoughts were that there must be babies or pregnant ladies (...