I'm happy being the hands and feet of Christ but the mouth... I feel totally inadequate. Ok so I feel inadequate next to Christ period but I'm always at a loss for what to say to other people. I got a call the other day... I knew it'd come one day but I still felt unprepared. One of the women who received a kit at the hospital called me in tears. She lost her sweet son recently. I listened more than speaking because I know that's what most people need anyways- there's nothing anyone can say to fix another's pain- but there were times I was at such a loss for words of comfort that she asked if I was still on the line. The pain in her voice... I know that pain. After we hung up I remained shaky for a little while and her cries still resonate with me.
**************************************************************
I had to deliver two more kits to the hospital and when I took them into the maternity wing there was a newborn crying as the nurses were swaddling him. Because of the cries I couldn't go to another place in my brain while I was standing there waiting as I normally do. I had to face the surroundings I was in- and it was one of those light bulb moments for me. I know many of you have mentioned that when you see a baby you're able to realize that it isn't your baby but today was the first time I'd had that experience.
I'm glad I can see growth in myself because hopefully it means I'll be in a better place to help others. I know that I still have a ways to go but I'll take what I can get. I don't like living in fear. Fear of social situations. Fear of where my emotions might take me. (Don't get me wrong- I don't try to not feel whatever I'm feeling and I don't want to get rid of the sad moments; those often bring sweet memories of Levi too. What I don't like are the feelings of anger, jealousy, insecurities, bitterness, etc.)
I want to remember but I want people to see joy in my life. I want people to see that despite the pain I've come through I can still be at peace. I want people to know that while today might be the darkest place they've ever been in there is hope that one day their days will be brighter.
**************************************************************
I had to deliver two more kits to the hospital and when I took them into the maternity wing there was a newborn crying as the nurses were swaddling him. Because of the cries I couldn't go to another place in my brain while I was standing there waiting as I normally do. I had to face the surroundings I was in- and it was one of those light bulb moments for me. I know many of you have mentioned that when you see a baby you're able to realize that it isn't your baby but today was the first time I'd had that experience.
I'm glad I can see growth in myself because hopefully it means I'll be in a better place to help others. I know that I still have a ways to go but I'll take what I can get. I don't like living in fear. Fear of social situations. Fear of where my emotions might take me. (Don't get me wrong- I don't try to not feel whatever I'm feeling and I don't want to get rid of the sad moments; those often bring sweet memories of Levi too. What I don't like are the feelings of anger, jealousy, insecurities, bitterness, etc.)
I want to remember but I want people to see joy in my life. I want people to see that despite the pain I've come through I can still be at peace. I want people to know that while today might be the darkest place they've ever been in there is hope that one day their days will be brighter.
Comments