Life After Levi

I know the circumstances are different but sometimes I wonder if sometimes I have a problem looking back. Genesis 19 26 But Lot's wife looked back, and she became a pillar of salt. I haven't turned into a pillar of salt- but have become a puddle of salty tears. I don't always try to look back... but each time I get turned around I can tell the difference. There are times people pull me back and times something triggers me to look back but the results are often the same. I wonder why Lot's wife looked back. Was she thinking back about the life she once knew? Was she thinking of the friends she once had? Did she hear something that just distracted her from her forward path? Was it just a glace or was it a longing for what once was? In healing I have looked back and beat myself up over the what if's and felt anger at doctors and others... but it hasn't brought Levi back. It only brings salt to my eyes. I have looked back at the life I once had... and the plans I h...

I’ve shared before that I struggle with forgiveness… though I generally don’t share why. Today marks two years since I heard Levi’s heartbeat. Two years since he was alive. There were two doctors at the practice I was going to when I was pregnant- one told me at my December appointment that I should’ve gone with a midwife because I told her I wanted my water to break on its own and wasn’t interested in pitocin. I almost switched doctors. I actually made some calls but being so far along the other practice I wanted to switch to was hesitant… plus we visited the women’s wing at the hospital and the nurses reassured me that there’s much more flexibility than she alluded to. She never saw me again after that December appointment. While that would’ve kept me from returning to their practice with another pregnancy it is my January appointment that my mind always returns to. I went prepared with a formal written birth plan and discussed it with the other doctor at the practice. There...

The feelings of forgiveness are fading and I'm not happy with that. The recent diagnosis of gestational diabetes has me questioning my previous moron doctors. I was told that I failed the one hour test so they had me take the three hour test. At first they called me to tell me I'd failed that as well... then when I got to the office to talk to them about it they told me they'd read the results wrong and I was only a little high on one of the hours so I wasn't in danger. They never tested again, nor did they ever show any concerns with any levels in my urine. Now I wonder. Was this the cause of Levi's death? I'm sure one of my friends was well meaning when she told me that it would be a relief for her to know the cause... I can't say the same is true for me. If it were the liver issues then it may possibly have helped knowing, simply because that's not something that's normally tested for, and I didn't have any signs of itchiness with Levi....

On Sunday so many emotions kept pushing themselves to the surface. We were talking about reconciliation and the cities of refuge (towns that were set up specifically for people to go to if they killed someone and it was deemed purely accidental). I know that so much of the pain that I carry was not caused on purpose, but it's still so hard to let it go. I struggle so much with reconciliation and truly forgiving. I always think I've let something go and then I see or talk to that person again and I realize I'm back at square one. I know that it's something I need to do- both for me and the other person- and yet... I can't seem to let things go. I want to change... but I don't know how to change. I've prayed for the other people... I've prayed for myself... and I always think that I'm ok- but then when I see them I realize I'm not. I wonder about the cities of refuge. I know the people that left their families and belongings to seek safety made the...

Today I'm in a funk. My husband has declared that I'm either pregnant or soon to discover that I'm not. He's probably right. It's strange how one day I can feel like life is starting to feel like well life again and then the next I'm crying and feeling hurt again. I'm not back to square one, far from it, but it's nothing new. Two steps forward, one step back. One of our customers came in and was talking about how life just continues on and keeps going despite the changes life brings us. I nodded my understanding but really I don't feel that way. I feel like my life took a ninety degree turn and flat lined. At times it feels like life begins again and sometimes it goes back to flat lining. On January 14, 2008 the world kept spinning. Mine stopped. I've been pondering this today and come to the realization that I'm still hurt that the lives of some people close to me didn't flat line when mine did. It's not fair to them that I expected ...

Tommy and I went to a wedding last night that I found to be a step in the right direction. I'm not much of a social butterfly... More of the wallflower type. Don't get me wrong- I enjoy being social... But I always feel like I'm bumbling and out of place- and that was before Levi died. Afterwards social events became even more stressful and we generally found excuses not to attend. Something kept nudging me to go to the wedding last night though and I'm glad we did. I knew many of the other guests at the reception so there were no odd 'tell me about yourself' intros and I stuck by my husband's side letting him do most of the talking. I allowed myself to just enjoy the evening which alone seemed major to me but then something more miraculous occured . We were standing near the dance floor when my husband jerked me to the other side of him and told me not to look in the area I'd been in. My first thoughts were that there must be babies or pregnant ladies (...