Life After Levi

What a strange, strange week it's been. It was really odd not opening up on Monday. We stayed busy though. I had a doctor's appointment and Tommy's part time job hasn't started yet so he joined me and got to hear the heartbeat too... well- the official one- he's heard it on the home monitor we're renting multiple times. Afterwards I talked him into going to the new Babies-R-Us to check things out. It was surprisingly easier than I thought it'd be. We even went back yesterday and registered for some things. I feel like I'm no longer riding a roller coaster of emotions over and over again but every now and then I feel like I've climbed aboard for a ride. This week definitely fell into that category. One minute I was completely ok putting our crib and baby gear together and two days later I was in a terrible mood. Two days later happened to fall on the 20th. It's the day we buried Levi. The emotions of Wednesday were much different than last Thursda...

Well... I expected it at some point. I made it a while without fear and anxiety and hope to return but for now I'm panic stricken and fearful. I can no longer tell what fears are rational and what fears are my paranoia... though after some googling of some symptoms I had I decided not to rush the hour and a half to the ER... at this stage I doubt they'd do much anyways besides tell me to stay off my feet. So that's what I did. I called my doctor in the morning and they reassured me some but I still can't put all the fear out of my mind. Sigh... I have a doctor's appointment in less than a week and I'm scheduled for an ultrasound. They also set me up with another ultrasound with a high risk guy for a month from yesterday so at this point I'm happy with the care they're giving me... but I'm still struggling to shake the fear. Time in prayer helped... I know I need to spend more time doing that. But it's also hard giving up control. I want to seek G...