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Fear



Fear and panic. I praise God that He's given me peace through most of this pregnancy- even through the complications.

But I'm human.

And fear still creeps in.

Last Thursday was one of those days. I woke up and didn't notice M. moving like she has been most mornings. I tried not to panic and did kick counts. She was moving more than I realized (10 moves in 30 mins) but not as much as she normally does (normally she'll hit 10 in 10-20 mins). I pulled out the doppler and listened to the thumping of her heart.

Despite doing this though I still couldn't shake the grip of fear.

I tried praying.

I took a two hour nap.

I tried distracting myself with tv.

I tried voicing my fears to Tommy (but also let him know how the kick counts had gone).

But I couldn't focus on anything except each kick and movement.

I finally put on my ipod and went into the garden... for whatever reason my activity gave her more energy (normally my movements will lull her to sleep) so that helped some... but it still didn't completely help.

But peace returned in the morning.

Psalm 34:3-4 (New International Version)

3 Glorify the LORD with me;
let us exalt his name together.

4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.


My prayers may not have been answered the minute I prayed on Thursday but I'm so grateful for the peace that returned (and the squirming from M. helped quite a bit too).

I'm nervous about getting through weeks 36-39 (March 31- April 21) without fear... but I've already requested the prayers of friends for that time and ask that you pray for me too. I know some people breathe a sigh of relief when they pass the point that they lost their child... I dread it. Up until then Levi was ok. Will my body turn on this baby too at that stage? Will she be safer in the womb or outside of it? In both my head and heart I believe she's going to make it- I don't believe I'm going to have to bury another child... but still... I'm dreading the end of this pregnancy and really can't wait to just hold her in my arms.


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Comments

Bree said…
She is so beautiful, Rebekah. I have those same freakouts often. Thinking of you. You are so close!
March 16, 2010 at 3:20 PM
Sam I Am said…
She is so beautiful! She is going to have Chubby cheeks just like her big brother! You are in my prayers.
March 16, 2010 at 4:30 PM
Angela said…
Girl, so rooting and praying for you over there. You are getting so close, and I know the end will be the scariest, since you carried your son to full term.

But just remember this -- there is always the hospital and the wonderful thing called a "Labor Check". I say go if you are the least bit worried, and don't let anyone make you feel bad for it, including drs and nurses...its better to know baby girl is okay in there than wonder or worry and regret anything!

Hugs,
Angela
March 16, 2010 at 4:50 PM
Jen said…
She's beautiful! I love the 3d/4d ultrasounds...we get a glimpse of our little ones before we even hold them!

You're almost there...I know it's so hard when you can see the finish line but you can't quite relax either...
March 16, 2010 at 8:50 PM
Mary said…
What a cutie she is. I hope that you find more moments of tranquility in these last weeks.
March 19, 2010 at 2:31 AM
Debbie said…
Look at that beautiful face, Rebekah. <3
March 22, 2010 at 10:40 PM
Stacey said…
First of all, absolutely amazing pictures. Wow! She is so beautiful.

I'm praying that these last 4 weeks will pass quickly for you until you can hold her in your arms and know that she is okay. Praying that God will give you peace during this time.

I absolutely can't wait to hear the wonderful news of her arrival! It'll be here so soon. :)
March 23, 2010 at 12:38 PM
Holly said…
What a precious babe! Praying that God will calm your fears and give you peace through the remainder of your journey on this pregnancy.
March 23, 2010 at 6:55 PM
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