So far January hasn't been as hard as I prepared myself for. I made it through the 2nd just fine, the 9th I struggled a little but was ok, the days in between haven't been a problem... yesterday... well yesterday was rough. I'm not gonna lie. I practically woke up in tears. I cried for Levi. I cried for the carefree life I once had... when I thought I had all of life's answers (ok- so most of life's answers). I cried when we went to the cemetery and thought I'd pulled it together by the time we made it to the doctor's office... but I cried there too.
Tears flowed silently but steadily the whole time they preformed the ultrasound. They were tears of sorrow for Levi and tears of relief for the heart I saw beating still inside. She didn't move or wave for me this time while onscreen but it was enough. I did manage to contain my tears while talking to the doctor afterwards though. The blood clotting disorder that I have is the most minor form of the least serious gene mutation. If Tommy tests positive as well, it could mean problems for the baby but the doctor took me off of the baby aspirin because he was more concerned with that creating problems due to the location of my placenta and bleeding that could ensue. It's something else to be cautious about but at least I'm prepared and they're monitoring it (they also noted concern at my last appointment but he seemed more hopeful then it would correct itself and move- no such luck of course).
The rest of the day we just took it easy- I took a nap from the emotional exhaustion and we enjoyed a nice dinner with my parents... but at the end of the day my eyes still felt puffy from tears. I am so grateful for the words of comfort and encouragement that people have shared this month. Thank you for those of you that held us up in prayers- it means so much!!
Today is a new day though!
I woke up sleepy but smiling. Yesterday was a day of sorrow but today my eyes are not heavy with tears.
When I was reading my Bible these were part of the passage I'm at today. I thought the timing was perfect.
My faith is still not perfect- but it is being refined by fire- and I want more than anything to show that it is genuine. I rejoice not for the grief but for the strengthening of my faith.
Despite the complications of this pregnancy with the diabetes, the blood clotting and now the placenta, I have a peace about this baby. I can't explain it anymore than I can explain the feeling I had at the beginning of my pregnancy with Levi. My head tells me not to go shopping for baby things but my heart says everything's gonna be ok. I don't know if the 'ok feeling' will mean that physically she'll be in my arms but emotionally I'm at peace (at least at this stage- I know better than to predict future emotions).
Thank you again for all who checked in on us, prayed for us and encouraged us!!
Tears flowed silently but steadily the whole time they preformed the ultrasound. They were tears of sorrow for Levi and tears of relief for the heart I saw beating still inside. She didn't move or wave for me this time while onscreen but it was enough. I did manage to contain my tears while talking to the doctor afterwards though. The blood clotting disorder that I have is the most minor form of the least serious gene mutation. If Tommy tests positive as well, it could mean problems for the baby but the doctor took me off of the baby aspirin because he was more concerned with that creating problems due to the location of my placenta and bleeding that could ensue. It's something else to be cautious about but at least I'm prepared and they're monitoring it (they also noted concern at my last appointment but he seemed more hopeful then it would correct itself and move- no such luck of course).
The rest of the day we just took it easy- I took a nap from the emotional exhaustion and we enjoyed a nice dinner with my parents... but at the end of the day my eyes still felt puffy from tears. I am so grateful for the words of comfort and encouragement that people have shared this month. Thank you for those of you that held us up in prayers- it means so much!!
Today is a new day though!
I woke up sleepy but smiling. Yesterday was a day of sorrow but today my eyes are not heavy with tears.
When I was reading my Bible these were part of the passage I'm at today. I thought the timing was perfect.
1 Peter 1:3-7
3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, 5who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 6In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.
My faith is still not perfect- but it is being refined by fire- and I want more than anything to show that it is genuine. I rejoice not for the grief but for the strengthening of my faith.
Despite the complications of this pregnancy with the diabetes, the blood clotting and now the placenta, I have a peace about this baby. I can't explain it anymore than I can explain the feeling I had at the beginning of my pregnancy with Levi. My head tells me not to go shopping for baby things but my heart says everything's gonna be ok. I don't know if the 'ok feeling' will mean that physically she'll be in my arms but emotionally I'm at peace (at least at this stage- I know better than to predict future emotions).
Thank you again for all who checked in on us, prayed for us and encouraged us!!
Comments
"Yesterday doesn't matter. There is nothig you can do about tomorrow. But today, today you are pregnant and that is cause enough to rejoice!"
Easier said then done. We both know that but I liked the way she put it!