The Garden

Yesterday was three months after the c-section so Tommy & I took the day off (thanks to Tara & Rachel) and worked on a memorial garden where we can sit & think. For being a potentially rough day it wasn't too bad- I was able to think about Levi and get out my frustrations on the weeds. The yard is already pretty well lanscaped so we're adding to it but we aren't having to start from scratch. We found a really cool (but very reasonably priced) fountain with an elephant that shoots water out of it's trunk. It's very whimsical and childlike without being an angel or little kid pouring water out of a can (no offense if those are your style). Eventually we want to add some other major things but for now we'll start with the fountain. I picked out some roses too and I'm hoping the deer won't eat them. I tried rooting some of the roses from Levi's spray and for a while it looked like half of them were going to make it but one by one they died so we bought some instead. It's interesting.... I didn't really get angry at God for Levi's death- I feel like there must be some purpose in this... but I got really angry when the last rose died. I felt like there was no real purpose in the plant living or dying so why not let it live? They were doing well and had started sprouting new growth until it started pouring and so I took them inside so they wouldn't get too much water. (But it was already too late by then for some as it had rained all day while we were at work) and then they weren't getting enough sun so I put them outside again but guess what... then it started raining again! I just couldn't win. I admit it... I'm still angry with God about letting the roses die but yet I feel somewhat at peace about Levi's death... it doesn't make sense to me but none the less that's how I've been feeling. I'm sure my feelings will change as it seems each day brings new & different emotions.