Under the Tree: March

I think Carly has started a truly wonderful way of helping us connect when much of our lives feel so disconnected to others so here's Under the Tree for March. (If you haven't been before, click on the link and see what it's about and join)

Do you have a special place in your home for your baby/ies? What is it like? Do you have any rituals that you perform in memory of your baby/ies?

We moved into our house after we lost Levi and so while we have a room picked as a future nursery it hasn't ever been set up specifically for him. I have pictures of Levi around the house but the main place I feel connected is in the garden. We found an elephant fountain (as it's childlike and whimsical) and it's in the center with flowers surrounding it. There are also a few memorial items that we've gotten or have been given to us that are reminders of Levi. We've planted a few trees in the garden and other smaller flowering plants so we can watch them grow each year- and think of how he should be growing.

The garden as a whole has been a special & healing place for me. I find myself drawn out there each night after we get home to spend time thinking. There's something about the new growth that I see that just renews my hope. On my days off I'll play my i-pod as I weed/plant and often find myself talking to God and thinking of Levi. I wish I didn't have the time to weed and was instead changing diapers but I'm grateful for at least something to do to release my energy. In the beginning the garden also helped when I needed alone time and just wanted to get away from having to smile and pretend to be ok (and I still find myself using it for that at times).

My husband (with some assistance from our parents) surprised me with a lamp and gazebo for our garden on the one year mark of Levi's still birth and we plan on adding more each year on the angelversary. Click here to see the most recent pictures of the garden with it's new additions- hopefully I'll be able to post more with plants in bloom soon. We probably won't add anything that big again but Tommy wanted to do something big this year for the first year mark. I'm looking forward to seeing the flowers start to bloom this year as last spring and summer when we went to the cemetery we'd take flowers from the garden.

If you believe in an afterlife, do you receive signs from your baby/ies? Have you ever felt their presence? Do you find them in nature? Do they visit you in your dreams?

I believe Levi is in Heaven worshiping and praising God and sitting at the feet of Jesus. I really haven't felt like I've seen any visual signs of his presence here on earth but I do feel the presence of God in my life. I don't understand why this happened but I feel God has given me a peace about things and I do feel closer to God when I'm in the quiet of nature... I feel the things in nature are so much more beautiful than the man-made things and it's hard for me to see some of the earth's beauty and not believe.

Do you have a special poem, song, prayer or quote in memory of your baby/ies?

When I'm wanting my thoughts to be only on Levi and not the day to day life going on around me I have a playlist I listen to, each song with a different reason linking it to Levi. He's my son by Mark Schultz; Held by Natalie Grant; Who You'd be Today by Kenny Chesney; I'll Fly Away by Alison Krauss & Gillian Welch; and Go Light Your World by Chris Rice.

The verse we chose to put on Levi's gravestone is Job 1:21 "The Lord gave and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." It's hard to follow that verse all the time... and there are times I forget it... and times I just don't want to... but I try to remind myself of it.