Friendships

So I picked up the phone and made the call. I called my friend who shared the news of her baby's birth on Jan 9th. The conversation was hard but I'm glad I did it. While we weren't the best of friends, she always talked about Levi and seemed to want to genuinely know how I was doing. I feel bad that I really can't be there for her emotionally when she needs it but I think she understands why and has let me re-initiate the lines of communication. I asked about her little girl... who at two months old is still smaller than Levi was and just got to go home from the hospital and is still hooked up to monitors. She asked about the Levi's Hope project and wants to donate blankets. She also apoligized for sharing her news on the 9th. I admitted it was (and still is) hard hearing it and told her I answered the phone only because she was due in March and then we left that subject and moved on because really nothing more needed to be said. I'm thankful for her appollogy and recognition that the news was hard and we'll see where the friendship goes from here.

Loosing Levi has been hard on friendships. I've gained a few friends during this time but mainly I've lost friends... I know in part I've isolated myself away from friends with babies but other friends have just backed off when I've had my moments- never to return. I lost my phone last spring and decided I'd only get the numbers of people that initiated calls... my phonebook shrunk dramatically. But really, I know I can count on the people who are now in my phonebook and I want to share the good and bad times with them... and all the day to day stuff too.

I was talking to one of my frinds about the difficulty with relationships... She's had some difficult times herself and she said one thing that really helped her was her counselor giving her permission to let difficult relationships go for this season of her life. I struggle with that though... I want to know why certain friends have abandoned me... I've always been on the insecure side and I know my issues are with my own insecurities but still... I'm ok with just having casual friendships that come and go but once the friendship has reached a deeper level I struggle letting go. The rational side of my brain tells me the friendship worked for a different time in my life but people change... but that's the rational side. The irrational side thinks I must not be _____ enough (fill in the blank- fun, good, exciting etc) and I start to analyze all interations. I feel like in many ways I'm still in a self protection/survival mode... It's such a double edged sword... I need the friends but know that at this moment I'm not the best friend myself. Guess I can only work on changing myself though and focus on the wonderful friends I do have in my life.