I'm behind on my blogging- way behind- but I'm not complaining- it's because I've been busy at the store- no real news to share and no time to read or write. I'll take it though, with the shape of this economy and with the Christmas season I'm very happy staying too busy to blog.
For the most part I've done ok with the holidays but this past weekend was interesting. We went up to Plains, GA to hear Jimmy Carter teach Sunday School and I'd been looking forward to it up until Friday. My patience can be short at times, but it's been especially short since Levi died. My mother seems to think I need to have more patience and be more compassionate towards people but I wasn't in the mood to hear it on Friday and many tears followed. Anyway, I went from really looking forward to going to do this Sunday to dreading it. So Sunday we got up at 4:45 and drove up to Plains so I was both tired and emotionally drained to begin with before the class even began.
It was interesting listening to the former President talk about faith and the birth of Christ. I knew that there might be talk about babies as the focus of Christmas is the birth of Christ but as I was reading over the scripture one verse really struck me: Luke 2:34-35 Then Simeon blessed them and said to Mary, his mother: "This child is destined to cause the falling and rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be spoken against, 35so that the thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your own soul too."
I feel as though my soul was pierced when Levi died. I thought to myself, I wonder if hearing that really even began to prepare her heart for watching her son be crucified. How could her soul take it?
Then of course came the hymns, I'm not sure what it is but singing hymns seems to have a huge emotional effect on me- I can't seem to stop the tears. When I hear songs on the radio the lyrics are sometimes touching but it isn't quite the same as when I'm singing (or attempting to sing them) in church. I was hoping to retain my composure in the presence of the President but that wasn't the case. As we sang Christmas hymns the tears came- and not the pretty type either- while not loud gasping for breath sobs, they were joined in accompaniment by snot dripping from my nose- and yet I couldn't find any tissue in my purse. I debated back and forth whether or not I should try to slip out and go to the rest room or just wipe the tears with my sleeve. As the sanctuary was strewn with Secret Service agents I opted to stay in my seat. I think the pastor may have given me a few curious looks as I was sitting right in front of him on the first pew (we weren't given any choice for seating- I'm normally a middle of the sanctuary type person but whatever- at least I didn't cause people to turn around and look at me). I'm hoping the singing drowned out the stifled sniffles and after the singing ceased I was able to stop the tears.
The sermon topic seemed interesting to me given our circumstances. He started by stressing the importance of rest during the holidays. Honestly, I've never been so happy to be busy & I'd really rather not have time to sit and think... I had plenty of time for that during our slow summer months. It's not that I don't want to reflect back on Levi and what's happened but I'd rather not think about all of the plans for Levi that never came to pass. After stressing the need for rest, he began talking about disclosure of things and the importance of opening up and sharing your thoughts and feelings with others. Every time I try to do this it seems to get me in trouble! I don't mean to push people away but it just seems to happen anyway so I disclose here online & if people who know me find it and read it it's because they sought it out. I've been very thankful for the support of those who have followed my blog & encouraged me during my ups and downs of this grief journey. Maybe one day I'll disclose my innermost thoughts with the people around me (and I do have a few people I share with now) but for the moment I can't handle disclosing myself and getting rejection.
He also talked about taking the time to listen for the cries from a tiny baby boy... I'm not even going to go there on this point of his sermon.
By the time the sermon ended my tears had dried and my face was only mildly blotchy. We were the first people to get our pictures taken and were rushed up so neither of us look our best but it's still pretty cool getting to stand beside the former president and get your picture so blotches or no here it is:
The ride home was long and tiring. It wasn't the weekend I'd hoped it would be but I'm glad we went. We'll see how Christmas goes.
Merry Christmas to everyone!! I know that many of your souls have also been pierced this year but I hope that everyone is able to get through the holidays without too much stress and grief. One of the women in my support group shared an idea that I'm planning on doing and I thought I'd pass it along. She got a small stocking the Christmas after she lost her daughter and they plan on writing a letter to her each year and placing it in the stocking. I liked that idea- I'm sure that after a while I'll probably stop blogging (hopefully because I'll be busy being a mom) but that will be something I can continue year after year.
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