I was talking to a friend about death yesterday... it's her business... I'm sure our paths would have crossed at some point- we're in a small town- but I don't know if a friendship would have formed if she hadn't prepared my son for burial.
I've mentioned it before but it helps having someone that feels comfortable talking about death. Before losing Levi it's a subject I would have avoided. I still don't always feel free to talk though - death makes people feel uncomfortable (which is why I generally write instead of talk). But she's chosen to deal with death as her profession so I don't worry when I talk to her that she'll try to find a way to change the subject (though we do talk about other things too).
We both know death in our own way and yet we don't know it at all. We don't know exactly what happens after death comes. We don't know what each survivor is going through either. I know what it's been like for me to loose my son- period. Each person has their own emotions and their own way of grieving.
I've been thinking of my friend so much over these last few days and even though I know the pain of loosing a child I know the pain of loosing a mother is different. I can't say I understand her pain because I don't. I know I'd feel lost without my mother. I mourned being able to care for my child but even though I'm an adult now I still turn to my mom to care for me when times are rough. Even though I didn't really know her mom whenever I hear of death now it seems more personal and real to me than before.
I've found more similarities than differences when talking to people about grief and death but each has to walk their own path.
That's not to say we can't find strength from each other but no one can grieve for you- at times I wish they could but I know it's something I must do for myself.
I've mentioned it before but it helps having someone that feels comfortable talking about death. Before losing Levi it's a subject I would have avoided. I still don't always feel free to talk though - death makes people feel uncomfortable (which is why I generally write instead of talk). But she's chosen to deal with death as her profession so I don't worry when I talk to her that she'll try to find a way to change the subject (though we do talk about other things too).
We both know death in our own way and yet we don't know it at all. We don't know exactly what happens after death comes. We don't know what each survivor is going through either. I know what it's been like for me to loose my son- period. Each person has their own emotions and their own way of grieving.
My mom and I have discussed the differences in what is viewed as acceptable in terms of grief work & death now versus years gone by. In the past loss was more common but for a year after loss you could wear black and no one expected you to do much socially... now everyone expects you to get counseling but they also expect you to move on and rejoin society. Fifty years ago when people lost their babies they were quickly whisked away... now most places encourage parents to hold their babies- time I am grateful to have had with Levi. I don't know if it would have been better in the long run if I'd had a year of intense grieving or not... I am glad things are changing with hospitals though and more often parents have the choice and control. I'm curious about traditions in other cultures- I know nothing makes death easy but still... I wonder how other people outwardly mourn. Inwardly I know our hearts all break.
I've been thinking of my friend so much over these last few days and even though I know the pain of loosing a child I know the pain of loosing a mother is different. I can't say I understand her pain because I don't. I know I'd feel lost without my mother. I mourned being able to care for my child but even though I'm an adult now I still turn to my mom to care for me when times are rough. Even though I didn't really know her mom whenever I hear of death now it seems more personal and real to me than before.
I've found more similarities than differences when talking to people about grief and death but each has to walk their own path.
That's not to say we can't find strength from each other but no one can grieve for you- at times I wish they could but I know it's something I must do for myself.
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