It took me about 30 mins to come out of anesthesia and another 30 mins to really shake my dopey state. They waited until I was with it before bringing Levi in. Physically I couldn't really sit up very well so Levi was laid beside me. When I saw him my hopes and prayers for a miracle quickly disappeared. I knew he was gone from this world and I'd have to wait for my time to go before I'd even get to look into his eyes.
Despite reality setting in, I couldn't help but smile when I saw him. He looked so perfect- and yet so fragile. He was a healthy 7 lbs 8 oz with fat cheeks and full lips... but his skin had already started to tear. I watched him carefully as he was passed around to all the family members- feeling the need to keep a close eye on him... and yet there was nothing they could have done nor would they have done to harm him in any way. When Tommy held him it was different though. I watched him closely thinking of what could have been. He walked back and forth in the room softly singing to him. It made my heart melt... and ache.
We kept him with us until I felt myself fighting to stay awake. The nurse came and got him and we told her we wanted to see him one last time while we still could. I rested briefly while they reswaddled him in hospital blankets so we could keep the outfit he wore and brought him to us again. I wanted to keep him there forever... but knew it was time to let him go.
The days that followed brought teary nights and funeral plans. Tommy and our parents made most of the arrangements but I gave my input on the things that mattered to me. When deciding on a floral spray it seemed like such a reminder that children aren't meant to die. All the arrangements looked wrong- they were too big for such a small body. I was told I'd have the option of seeing Levi again once before he was buried but he wouldn't look the same. At first I said no- I wanted to remember him as I saw him... but then I felt I had to see him again. It wasn't the same. He was cold and grey, his body stiff. It was hard seeing him like that- but I knew that if I didn't spend every minute I could with him I might end up regretting that too. I don't regret the decision to see him that way, despite how difficult it was.
With Levi's birth and the days that followed, I knew the miracle I wanted was not to be. I don't know the reasons why but will strive to live my life so that I will go to him one day.
Despite reality setting in, I couldn't help but smile when I saw him. He looked so perfect- and yet so fragile. He was a healthy 7 lbs 8 oz with fat cheeks and full lips... but his skin had already started to tear. I watched him carefully as he was passed around to all the family members- feeling the need to keep a close eye on him... and yet there was nothing they could have done nor would they have done to harm him in any way. When Tommy held him it was different though. I watched him closely thinking of what could have been. He walked back and forth in the room softly singing to him. It made my heart melt... and ache.
We kept him with us until I felt myself fighting to stay awake. The nurse came and got him and we told her we wanted to see him one last time while we still could. I rested briefly while they reswaddled him in hospital blankets so we could keep the outfit he wore and brought him to us again. I wanted to keep him there forever... but knew it was time to let him go.
The days that followed brought teary nights and funeral plans. Tommy and our parents made most of the arrangements but I gave my input on the things that mattered to me. When deciding on a floral spray it seemed like such a reminder that children aren't meant to die. All the arrangements looked wrong- they were too big for such a small body. I was told I'd have the option of seeing Levi again once before he was buried but he wouldn't look the same. At first I said no- I wanted to remember him as I saw him... but then I felt I had to see him again. It wasn't the same. He was cold and grey, his body stiff. It was hard seeing him like that- but I knew that if I didn't spend every minute I could with him I might end up regretting that too. I don't regret the decision to see him that way, despite how difficult it was.
"...I will go to him, but he will not return to me." 2 Samuel 12:23
With Levi's birth and the days that followed, I knew the miracle I wanted was not to be. I don't know the reasons why but will strive to live my life so that I will go to him one day.
Comments
My prayers are with you today...
Blessings to you, Tommy, Levi, and the Little Bean.
Much love to you as you remember and honor Levi. Thank you for sharing the story of Levi's birth.