Elephants

 

Most people associate their babies when they see butterflies, dragonflies or cherubs... not me... not exactly anyway. When I see those things I think of other people's losses, just not mine. I connect to elephants. Go figure. I'm just weird like that. I feel that the elephants chose me though- not the other way around :)

Maybe it started with my mom always calling me her baby elephant when I would sit on her lap much past the point I actually fit. Maybe it was the safari bedding I selected for the nursery.

Soon after we lost Levi I wrote this post. I was aching to talk about Levi and my grief and sorrow and yet had no idea how. I was constantly feeling as though his death was a giant elephant in the room. While I feel differently now and can speak of Levi with more ease and less sorrow, though it happens less frequently, I have not forgotten the early days of loss either.

Around the same time we were creating a memorial garden and looking for a fountain. My husband found the perfect one- we decided it was childlike and whimsical and loved the design- a baby elephant.

As I began working in the garden, I began to realize how perfect the fountain was because they say an elephant never forgets. I decided to make a conscious effort to find elephants the first Christmas without Levi and found the perfect ornament. I found another elephant ornament last year and hope to find one each year... we'll see if I'm able- there isn't a huge demand for elephant ornaments so there aren't tons to choose from.

My dad could never figure out why his aunt kept giving him elephants growing up. They stayed at his parents house collecting dust until recently. He's been giving them to me a little at a time reminding me that he hasn't forgotten either.

This year I received an unexpected elephant. A friend had it made for Madalyn- it wears a shirt with her name... but on its heart she stitched Levi's initials. I was so touched that she shared in both our joy and sorrow and understood the bittersweet emotions that came with Madalyn's safe arrival.

I've been thinking about my baby elephant a lot... I will never forget.