It's been 1 1/2 years... 18 months...547 days...13128 hours...787680 minutes... 47260800 seconds. Time has kept ticking. The world didn't stop when Levi died...
Here's a recap of the past year and a half...
Looking back the first few months were more spent in shock than anything. I did the bare minimum to get through each day.
Then the anger came. Anger towards the doctor, anger towards God, anger towards my husband. I spent most of months 5-9 angry at someone.
Somewhere in my angry stage I started feeling as though everyone else was forgetting Levi and I also just wanted to reach out to other families going through loss. This gave me both a mission but also brought great frustration in dealing with the hospital.
I felt alienated and alone from the real world and found myself seeking understanding online more and more.
Months 9-12 brought reconciliation both with my husband and with God. I still felt deep feelings of isolation though and despair.
A year passed. I found I had more strength than I realized and found that people still remembered and still cared.
Now at 1 1/2 years...
... I still miss Levi, but I know he's in a better place and for that I'm grateful- what more could a mother ask for than for their child to only have the joys of heaven and not the pain and suffering of this world. But I still often wish he were here in my arms for me- not him.
... I'm happy now with the renewed strength of the relationship with my husband. I know he loves me deeply and I love him. The happiness others see is now no longer a mask but true love.
... I'm finding my place back in the real world... some of the friendships I lost still have not been repaired but I'm dwelling less on what I don't have and more on the friends I do have.
... I'm still finding myself angry at times but it's much less often and the anger soon dissipates.
... I'm finding my energy levels are closer now to what they've been. There are still some tasks that I don't throw myself into like before but part of that is intentional as I now try to evaluate what is truly important.
... My physical self... well, I'm still holding onto all the pregnancy weight and then some... but we're making attempts to eat healthier so maybe that'll help... I hope :).
... I can now make it through church without tears... I think I'm up to 6 or 7 straight services now.
... I can now see babies and pregnant ladies without a (major) panic attack. Newborns are still the hardest though.
... I've found myself much closer to forgiving the doctor (one day I'll post about all that).
... I've found myself trying to reach out to people who are going through major things more. Even those who aren't experiencing loss. I now know how much something can drain a person... and it's not as simple as simply 'moving on'.
... I've given 25 kits out in memory of Levi thanks to the community that has supported us. (Not all of these have been delivered through the hospital, some have been given to people that want to give something to their friends/family that have experienced loss).
... I'm finding myself more self motivated to get things done... cleaning, work, bills. Though I'm still too embarrassed for anyone to come to my house most of the time and I don't want to think about what my credit report might say.
... I've found myself longing for a new baby. Not to replace Levi but simply because I want a baby. I want to be a mom, not just a mother.
... I'm finding peace in the midst of my sorrow.
It's been 1 1/2 years since the world didn't stop spinning. But I still miss Levi.
Here's a recap of the past year and a half...
We found out Levi's heart was no longer beating at a routine appointment January 9, 2008.
Levi was born still January 14, 2008.
He was buried January 20th.
He was due January 28th.
Looking back the first few months were more spent in shock than anything. I did the bare minimum to get through each day.
Then the anger came. Anger towards the doctor, anger towards God, anger towards my husband. I spent most of months 5-9 angry at someone.
Somewhere in my angry stage I started feeling as though everyone else was forgetting Levi and I also just wanted to reach out to other families going through loss. This gave me both a mission but also brought great frustration in dealing with the hospital.
I felt alienated and alone from the real world and found myself seeking understanding online more and more.
Months 9-12 brought reconciliation both with my husband and with God. I still felt deep feelings of isolation though and despair.
A year passed. I found I had more strength than I realized and found that people still remembered and still cared.
Now at 1 1/2 years...
... I still miss Levi, but I know he's in a better place and for that I'm grateful- what more could a mother ask for than for their child to only have the joys of heaven and not the pain and suffering of this world. But I still often wish he were here in my arms for me- not him.
... I'm happy now with the renewed strength of the relationship with my husband. I know he loves me deeply and I love him. The happiness others see is now no longer a mask but true love.
... I'm finding my place back in the real world... some of the friendships I lost still have not been repaired but I'm dwelling less on what I don't have and more on the friends I do have.
... I'm still finding myself angry at times but it's much less often and the anger soon dissipates.
... I'm finding my energy levels are closer now to what they've been. There are still some tasks that I don't throw myself into like before but part of that is intentional as I now try to evaluate what is truly important.
... My physical self... well, I'm still holding onto all the pregnancy weight and then some... but we're making attempts to eat healthier so maybe that'll help... I hope :).
... I can now make it through church without tears... I think I'm up to 6 or 7 straight services now.
... I can now see babies and pregnant ladies without a (major) panic attack. Newborns are still the hardest though.
... I've found myself much closer to forgiving the doctor (one day I'll post about all that).
... I've found myself trying to reach out to people who are going through major things more. Even those who aren't experiencing loss. I now know how much something can drain a person... and it's not as simple as simply 'moving on'.
... I've given 25 kits out in memory of Levi thanks to the community that has supported us. (Not all of these have been delivered through the hospital, some have been given to people that want to give something to their friends/family that have experienced loss).
... I'm finding myself more self motivated to get things done... cleaning, work, bills. Though I'm still too embarrassed for anyone to come to my house most of the time and I don't want to think about what my credit report might say.
... I've found myself longing for a new baby. Not to replace Levi but simply because I want a baby. I want to be a mom, not just a mother.
... I'm finding peace in the midst of my sorrow.
It's been 1 1/2 years since the world didn't stop spinning. But I still miss Levi.
Comments
And you are already a mom, not just a mother.
Sending you strength and best wishes for your continuing process of healing.
The ways you've found to reach out to others while keeping Levi's memory alive are truly inspiring.
It makes me feel better to know that you were still angry after 9 months. I feel a little more normal. You've accomplished so much in a year in a half. (Note: I haven't lost all my baby weight either- no fair!)
Thinking of your sweet baby today!
I promise to take my picture with the blanket this weekend= I've just been dreading taking a picture. I haven't had the energy to even smile.