What's going on in people's minds? I've had two people in the past week or two ask me if I've had the baby yet. They didn't ask how is the baby or where is the baby but did you have the baby?!? Levi passed away in January- I was 37 weeks pregnant when we lost him so it isn't as though my due date has recently passed. While I still have quite a bit of weight to loose I'm not pregnant looking and last time I checked I don't look like I'm expecting at any time. I know people are just trying to make small talk and be polite but it just seems like such a strange question to me. I am not an elephant who stays pregnant for two years. When I started telling the lady today that no, he'd passed away she seemed very uncomfortable and then she started rambling. I hate making people feel weird but I don't always know what to do. I've reconnected with a couple of old friends via facebook & myspace and never know how to respond to the general- 'so what have you been up to' question without it seeming decietful to myself, cold/matter of fact or woe is me. Yes, my life has sucked this year but I try not to pull other people down (besides on my blog- but I write so as not to depress everyone around me so I won't isolate myself even more). Anyway... thought it was odd that I've gotten the same strange question twice recently.
Besides the group and classes, this week has brought more changes. If you know me in real life please share in our joy but don't spread the news just yet. For those of you who are grieving I'm sorry if this announcement causes more pain... I know how difficult it can be to feel as though everyone else's time has come but yours. Only one word popped up this time... Pregnant. I suspected that I'd see it, but worried that I wouldn't. I waited to find out... I didn't want to find out exciting news that would make it hard to focus on the tasks that were important this week. I didn't want to find out bad news that would make it hard to focus on the tasks that were important this week. So I waited... but now I know for sure. This part of the waiting is over... but now the real waiting begins. That one little word changes everything. It changed everything before too. Now it's different though. I'm not inoccent anymore... and yet I can't contain my ...
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Anyway-- It's a hard, hard question to deal with. Something I struggle with still, almost 2 years later.
What do you say to people who ask what you've been up to ( I don't mention it); but when they specifically ask me how many kids I have? Hmm. I feel like to say I have 1 child is a lie (which it is) and I feel as though I am not honoring my baby's memory-- but to say I have two, that always means I am going to have the follow up question-- "Oh, how old are they?" *Sigh*
You can't win. And I've decided that this is my reality. I have two kids. One alive. One dead. That's what I say. I have two kids. Rylie is 5. Sophie is dead. She was stillborn on her due date.
Some people say they don't want to be defined by this. But you know what? *This* is who I am now. I am the mom of a dead baby. My baby was stillborn on her due date. It *does* define part of me now. And I am proud to be her mom.
Does that make sense?