Yesterday was a lot harder than I expected. I've braced myself for the 9th (the day we found out Levi's heart had stopped) and the 14th (the day he was born still) but I didn't expect such a rush of emotions yesterday. Last year on the 2nd was the last time I heard Levi's heart beat. It was the day I asked about a lack of movement only to be told that was normal. It was the day I was given a choice for a Monday or a Wednesday appointment and I chose Wednesday. I have all these what if's and why's flying through my head causing the tears to flow down my cheeks.
What if I'd gone with a different doctor, would they have listened? What if I'd known to insist on a non-stress test? What if I'd switched doctors in December? Why did God allow me to even notice a lack of movement, why didn't He just cause his heart to stop suddenly? Would Levi be here if I'd gone with the Monday appointment instead of Wednesday- or was God allowing Tommy to be there with me when we got the news so I didn't have to experience that alone? Why didn't God allow the doctor to do everything to save Levi so that there were no what if's now? What does God want me to do with these circumstances, am I supposed to be a vigilante- warning people of this doctor's poor care and how does that tie in with forgiveness? How am I supposed to forgive when there is no repentance from the doctor? Why did God take Him anyway? I do believe, for whatever reason, that it is God's will that Levi died and I do believe that Levi is experiencing more love than I could ever give him here on earth but I still want to know the reason he was taken. Why have we had to deal with everything else this year on top of Levi's death, is God testing us or preparing us?
I haven't seen much good come from Levi's death and that really upsets me... if anything I think it's caused a lot of division. I find within the family there seems to be more distance between people and while I have grown closer to some people I've lost friendships as well. I long to see something positive come from Levi's life and death. Even the project at the hospital has been a flop... I found everything I want to include in the pregnancy loss kits and we've raised most of the money for them but the hospital won't get back to me on a major sticking point. I created a brochure explaining what the money would go for and who the kits are for and included the statistics on the pregnancy losses- the hospital gave me the stats and now they want them removed. I know it may seem trivial to some but my son is among those numbers and I refuse to deny that so I pretty much told them that it was the stats or we'd donate the money elsewhere (we still plan on using it to reach out to families who have lost their children but I'd really like to donate locally). The head nurse said she'd talk to the CEO and get back to me... that was a month ago. I know they're nervous about how the numbers may be interpreted but if they're worried about them being so high then do something about it with the doctors practicing under the hospital's umbrella- don't deny that the babies lost their lives. I don't like the thought of holding back something that could reach out & help people but I really don't feel like budging on that point.
More tears have come today as pregnant women have come into the shop- luckily for them they ordered decaf- I may not have had the patience to restrain myself today- but as one sat with an experienced mom and asked for advice on getting through sleepless nights I left the shop in tears and found refuge at a friend's place leaving Tommy to man the shop alone.
On an up note though, Christmas really wasn't as hard as I was expecting. I not only made it through it but also found moments where I enjoyed myself. There were moments of tears and reflection of what this Christmas would've been like but all things considered it was a good Christmas and New Year's. I'm grateful for those good moments with friends and family leading up to January- I'm sure I'll have to draw on those moments this month.
What if I'd gone with a different doctor, would they have listened? What if I'd known to insist on a non-stress test? What if I'd switched doctors in December? Why did God allow me to even notice a lack of movement, why didn't He just cause his heart to stop suddenly? Would Levi be here if I'd gone with the Monday appointment instead of Wednesday- or was God allowing Tommy to be there with me when we got the news so I didn't have to experience that alone? Why didn't God allow the doctor to do everything to save Levi so that there were no what if's now? What does God want me to do with these circumstances, am I supposed to be a vigilante- warning people of this doctor's poor care and how does that tie in with forgiveness? How am I supposed to forgive when there is no repentance from the doctor? Why did God take Him anyway? I do believe, for whatever reason, that it is God's will that Levi died and I do believe that Levi is experiencing more love than I could ever give him here on earth but I still want to know the reason he was taken. Why have we had to deal with everything else this year on top of Levi's death, is God testing us or preparing us?
I haven't seen much good come from Levi's death and that really upsets me... if anything I think it's caused a lot of division. I find within the family there seems to be more distance between people and while I have grown closer to some people I've lost friendships as well. I long to see something positive come from Levi's life and death. Even the project at the hospital has been a flop... I found everything I want to include in the pregnancy loss kits and we've raised most of the money for them but the hospital won't get back to me on a major sticking point. I created a brochure explaining what the money would go for and who the kits are for and included the statistics on the pregnancy losses- the hospital gave me the stats and now they want them removed. I know it may seem trivial to some but my son is among those numbers and I refuse to deny that so I pretty much told them that it was the stats or we'd donate the money elsewhere (we still plan on using it to reach out to families who have lost their children but I'd really like to donate locally). The head nurse said she'd talk to the CEO and get back to me... that was a month ago. I know they're nervous about how the numbers may be interpreted but if they're worried about them being so high then do something about it with the doctors practicing under the hospital's umbrella- don't deny that the babies lost their lives. I don't like the thought of holding back something that could reach out & help people but I really don't feel like budging on that point.
More tears have come today as pregnant women have come into the shop- luckily for them they ordered decaf- I may not have had the patience to restrain myself today- but as one sat with an experienced mom and asked for advice on getting through sleepless nights I left the shop in tears and found refuge at a friend's place leaving Tommy to man the shop alone.
On an up note though, Christmas really wasn't as hard as I was expecting. I not only made it through it but also found moments where I enjoyed myself. There were moments of tears and reflection of what this Christmas would've been like but all things considered it was a good Christmas and New Year's. I'm grateful for those good moments with friends and family leading up to January- I'm sure I'll have to draw on those moments this month.
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