Life After Levi

I went to a women's mini conference in our town this weekend. The focus this time was on prayer. I posted this a little while back as a response to a community post on The Blog Frog but wanted to tie it into my thoughts from this weekend too. Thank you for your honesty, I've had difficulty focusing on prayer too. It's hard to continue praying when the prayers for healing aren't answered. That being said I still feel prayer is important. I know when I've spent time in prayer my entire frame of mind is different and I do feel that my relationship with God is stronger. Even if God's will is different from my desires I know His ways are higher than my own and I try to pray out of obedience. If I'm being honest with myself, one thing I've noticed about my own prayer life though is I'm not as confident anymore that my prayers will be answered. Just like M said, prayer helps foster that relationship but just as parents have the best in min...

Well... I expected it at some point. I made it a while without fear and anxiety and hope to return but for now I'm panic stricken and fearful. I can no longer tell what fears are rational and what fears are my paranoia... though after some googling of some symptoms I had I decided not to rush the hour and a half to the ER... at this stage I doubt they'd do much anyways besides tell me to stay off my feet. So that's what I did. I called my doctor in the morning and they reassured me some but I still can't put all the fear out of my mind. Sigh... I have a doctor's appointment in less than a week and I'm scheduled for an ultrasound. They also set me up with another ultrasound with a high risk guy for a month from yesterday so at this point I'm happy with the care they're giving me... but I'm still struggling to shake the fear. Time in prayer helped... I know I need to spend more time doing that. But it's also hard giving up control. I want to seek G...

Hopefully soon I'll be able to catch my breath but for now I've been staying busy. I went to the doctor's office last week and my numbers were good- I'll go again on the 23rd and have an ultrasound. My days have consisted of sleeping, nauseousness, more sleeping and school work- even the nauseousness has been wonderful. I do feel bad though- Tommy has been running the shop basically single handedly. I remember sleeping a lot with Levi too but the shop wasn't open yet so my days were much more flexible. I was hitting the end of my first trimester and gaining more energy when we opened our doors two years ago. It's interesting. Most people's comments after we lost Levi didn't hurt, I knew they didn't know what to say and I was grateful they were at least willing to have the courage to say anything at all. Now though... I'm finding the comments really hurt. This morning a man told me that the worst thing was getting home and not knowing what to do w...

I turned 30 yesterday. I normally dread birthdays and get really moody and emotional on them but yesterday nothing could get me down. We didn't even do anything really special to mark the occasion but I was happy the whole day long. Tommy turns 30 in less than two weeks so we'll celebrate together in the middle. Yesterday was just another day though. I woke up and let Tommy sleep a little longer, came to the Bean and focused on the store's second birthday (it turns 2 on Sunday but we're celebrating with specials this week) and then went off to teach. Tommy gave me the new Selah cd I'd asked for which did bring tears as I listened to I will carry you (Audrey's song) but I pulled myself together before customers came in. Tommy offered to take me out for dinner but nothing really sounded great so he fixed me blueberry pancakes which hit the spot... good antioxidents mixed with a little guilty pleasure :) I'd have never planned my life to be the way it is ...

Besides the group and classes, this week has brought more changes. If you know me in real life please share in our joy but don't spread the news just yet. For those of you who are grieving I'm sorry if this announcement causes more pain... I know how difficult it can be to feel as though everyone else's time has come but yours. Only one word popped up this time... Pregnant. I suspected that I'd see it, but worried that I wouldn't. I waited to find out... I didn't want to find out exciting news that would make it hard to focus on the tasks that were important this week. I didn't want to find out bad news that would make it hard to focus on the tasks that were important this week. So I waited... but now I know for sure. This part of the waiting is over... but now the real waiting begins. That one little word changes everything. It changed everything before too. Now it's different though. I'm not inoccent anymore... and yet I can't contain my ...

Romans 12:11-13 (New International Version) 11Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Joyful in hope My heart is full of hope today! I went and talked to another local hospital about giving out the pregnancy loss kits and just walked away feeling so touched!!!! The nurse-manager of the OB department was so encouraging and caring! They already have some wonderful things they do when women suffer a later loss but I think this will compliment that well. I know so often people want to be in the OB units because it's such a happy place but it's nice knowing there are those that understand the harsh reality that it is generally a happy place... not always. I cannot completely stop other families from suffering the same fate that we have but I can do my best to provide comfort during their time of need. I cannot do it ...

So I wasn't quite as ready or as strong as I thought I was... I went to my first baby shower today for someone I've been friends with since I was in diapers. I really thought I'd be ok... I know I struggled with the reunion last weekend but I thought this weekend would be different- this time the focus would be only on her- not on an entire group of people with kids. I was wrong. Maybe I should've backed out when I went searching for a card at our house and opened the desk to see the thank you notes provided by the funeral home... Maybe I should've backed out when I couldn't write anything besides 'Congratulations' without choking up... Maybe I should've backed out as I felt my heart racing as I was driving down their street. But I didn't. I made it through all the mingling ok. I thought I'd know more people than I did which I guess was ok. The few people I talked to mainly asked how I knew the mother. Typing that something just hit me... at ...