Life After Levi

One of the typical questions I now get asked is whether or not Madalyn is my first. I generally answer the same way each time. I reply 'sorta or not exactly' and go on to say that I had a son who was stillborn. I wonder if people think I'm strange because while I'm sure they probably expect a shaky voice and tears after they know the answer it isn't the look they see on my face. Instead there's generally a smile when I reply. Not a big goofy grin by any means... But I can feel the corners of my mouth turned up. It isn't that I'm happy that he died- but I'm happy to have the opportunity to share that he was here.

I was looking up quotes for father's day and here's one I came across in my search: "It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn't." -Barbara Kingsolver I hope we get to watch Madalyn grow up and then later down the road watch her children as they grow up. Already it feels as though she's growing much too fast but I would much prefer that then the alternative. For those of you struggling this Father's Day, I wish you peace and send you my love.

    She'll be raised as our oldest... but will forever be a second child. She'll know who he was... but never who he is. They are both loved and adored... but she gets kisses and hugs while he gets tears and broken dreams. She's in my arms... he remains in my heart. They were both 7 lbs 8 oz at birth... but only she will grow as the days and years go by. His silence brings me to tears... her tears remind me of the life she has. His garden was planted to remember him... her's was painted to bring her smiles and sunshine. I look at her and remember the brief moments with him... I think of him and remember to cherish each and every moment with her. I will be the type of parent I am to her because I didn't get to parent him. I took pictures of both to preserve each moment... but I'll get to have many more moments with her and many more photos to take. I have one of the only outfits he wore packed away- stained with his blood... I'll soon be packing away the outf...

Today I was thinking of how thankful I am for the sacrifice Christ made for me- and for you. One thought led to another... And my heart soon became heavy with sorrow. I'd like to apologize. -I'm sorry if you have ever been hurt by a Christian whose actions did not exemplify the love of Christ. I've been there- I know how frustrating it can be feeling that there's just hypocrisy. Please- focus on Christ and the love he proclaimed for you. -I'm sorry if no one has shared the word of God with you. I'm often guilty of feelings of inadequacy when sharing my faith- worried that I might not have all the answers to all possible questions. Truthfully- I don't- but that shouldn't stop me from sharing. For those of you that know me just through the blog I do share my thoughts and reflections about my faith but it feels safer here somehow- I can ponder the things I write before posting... And well... Blogs tend to be monologues rather than dialogues. Pleas...

Passover- I wonder what the Pharaoh thought when Moses told him that all the firstborn sons would die in the night. Was my heart hardened when I first had that inclination? Or was God just preparing my heart heart for the loss to come? Did Pharaoh even tell the other Egyptians? Would it have mattered? Obviously word quickly spread through the Israelite community and they prepared... the blood of the lambs protected them. I'm so grateful for the blood of The Lamb that protects me still. The angel of death has visited my household- but while it robbed Levi of his breath, it did not steal his eternal life, nor did it rob me of my hope. We go from Passover- a celebration that death did not stop at the Israelite homes. A celebration I feel I can not partake in... but then Easter comes... and while death had occurred, it did not have power over the grave!! That's something worth celebrating to me! I wonder what Jesus thought of the irony as he sat to dine at his final Passover feast?...

Fear and panic. I praise God that He's given me peace through most of this pregnancy- even through the complications. But I'm human. And fear still creeps in. Last Thursday was one of those days. I woke up and didn't notice M. moving like she has been most mornings. I tried not to panic and did kick counts. She was moving more than I realized (10 moves in 30 mins) but not as much as she normally does (normally she'll hit 10 in 10-20 mins). I pulled out the doppler and listened to the thumping of her heart. Despite doing this though I still couldn't shake the grip of fear. I tried praying. I took a two hour nap. I tried distracting myself with tv. I tried voicing my fears to Tommy (but also let him know how the kick counts had gone). But I couldn't focus on anything except each kick and movement. I finally put on my ipod and went into the garden... for whatever reason my activity gave her more energy (normally my movements will lull her to sleep) so that helped s...

Its 3 am and I can't sleep. We're starting a new chapter of our lives soon... very soon. On Saturday we'll be closing our doors to the coffee shop as we know it. Tommy will start a new full time job on Monday. It's the manna I've been praying for. When our insurance went up in October we began to really worry about finances. In December when sales reflected the economy we knew it was time to start job hunting and thinking about closing. We had hoped the part time job Tommy found would be the answer... And in many ways it truly was an answer to prayer. It didn't start as early as we thought it would so Tommy didn't have to worry about the time he spent with me while I was in the hospital... As far as meeting our financial needs though... we could tell right away that it wasn't the answer. So Tommy kept searching. I am thankful for the manna. A family friend with some connections met with Tommy and said he thought he could get him a nice job......