Life After Levi

A few months ago I had panic attacks whenever Tommy had to leave the store and I got more than two customers to deal with. Nothing extreme- just feelings of anxiety but no hyperventilating or anything. Friday though I had to run the store on my own because Tommy still has about a week to go to recover from his surgery and one of our employees had an emergency and had to leave after being there less than thirty minutes. It was one of the bustiest days in the past six months and I managed on my own- with no panic attacks. I also didn't feel like I was 'getting over' Levi's death as he came up in conversations with a few customers so I didn't end the day feeling as though I should have been thinking more about Levi and less about work. It's also given me a better appreciation of what Tommy did when he came back to work and let me grieve. On a different note I've been reading a really good book called 'God on Mute: Engaging the Silence of Unanswered Pr...

I have a love hate relationship with the garden. I went out there today when I went home at lunch to let our dog out and it's a little on the disheartening side right now. It was doing really well until Fay came and it really hasn't recovered from the insane amount of rain and wind. Most of what we have are perinneals though so I'm hoping that even though they look battered at the moment they'll recover and come back next year stronger than before. Time will tell. One of the reasons I like the garden is I feel more of a connection to God out there. My relationship with God hasn't been the best recently. Right after we lost Levi I clung to the belief that God has a purpose and that good will come from his death and the longer it's been the less I see any purpose for it. Who knows- maybe in 5 or 10 years I'll be able to look back and see more of the bigger picture but for now it's hard. Through it all I do have faith and believe Romans 8:28 "...

What's going on in people's minds? I've had two people in the past week or two ask me if I've had the baby yet. They didn't ask how is the baby or where is the baby but did you have the baby?!? Levi passed away in January- I was 37 weeks pregnant when we lost him so it isn't as though my due date has recently passed. While I still have quite a bit of weight to loose I'm not pregnant looking and last time I checked I don't look like I'm expecting at any time. I know people are just trying to make small talk and be polite but it just seems like such a strange question to me. I am not an elephant who stays pregnant for two years. When I started telling the lady today that no, he'd passed away she seemed very uncomfortable and then she started rambling. I hate making people feel weird but I don't always know what to do. I've reconnected with a couple of old friends via facebook & myspace and never know how to respond to the gener...

All week a friend of ours kept telling us we needed to go see a play she was in over the weekend. Tommy was skeptical when she told us about a scene where she was eating at a funeral and felt that he wasn't quite ready yet for something that makes light of funerals but following opening night some of our other friends also urged us to go telling us how funny it was. All we knew about the play was just that... and the title was "Dearly Departed". I talked Tommy into going and we also invited another friend of ours- huge mistake!!!! I don't know why but the name had never really registered with me that the whole play was going to be about someone that had passed away and since everyone talked about how funny it was it would also be making light of the dead. Why don't I listen to my husband more? Why do I make him do things so we can "show support for friends"? Back to the play though. As soon as I saw the program I started having a mini panic attack but si...

So today has been a good day- uneventful but rather normal. We had some mini rushes at the coffee shop which was good- we really need the business because I can barely handle the stress of everything else- let alone financial worries too. Anyway, it's wierd because sometimes on these "normal" days I feel guilty because there isn't anything normal about my life anymore yet having days like today gives me hope too... I've decided if I ever have a daughter I'm going to name her Hope. Romans 5:3-5 says "3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." I figure I'm doing the suffering part now and it produces Hope so what better name =) But off that sidebar. I'm job hunting right now so that we can make ends meet ...

I've been reading other people's blogs today. Tommy asked me once if reading about other people's experiences just made me more depressed. I hadn't really consciencly thought about it but as I did I realized that no... when I read about the loss of other people I just feel less lonely & find some small comfort knowing that my feelings are somewhat normal. It seems like no one else understands and assumes that just because they've forgotten my loss I should be OK now. We've lost friends & customers during the time that we need people the most and I've never felt as lonely as I do now. Some people have been really nice & caring but others act as though we have some contagious disease and want nothing to do with us. I want to write a letter to the ob I was going to & let him know what my life has been like- I don't know that Levi's life would have been saved if he'd listened to me but at least I'd know now that everything ...

Faith has always been a fairly common topic of conversation between my husband and I but even more so since Levi's death. Before I accepted that God is a good, loving, just God without question but I've since struggled with that. I'm very angry with Him (and also the OB) and wonder what the justice is in this? How is this loving? Despite my questions I haven't wavered much (until some recently) that God has a purpose in this and He's still watching over us. All the while Tommy has been obedient in reading his Bible for obedience sake but has wondered how my faith has seemed so steady (for lack of a better word). I think it's because of all the little things. It seems as though every book I've read recently has a store line involving a stillbirth or death of an infant- and I'm not seeking out stories that connect to my life- if anything I'm trying to find escapes from my life. Another example- we were listening to the radio the other day & it sta...