Life After Levi

They say time heals all wounds... I think there's some truth to that statement but I think I'd have to modifiy it a little. As long as you aren't letting small cuts get infected or picking at scabs then yes, time will heal small wounds. If you loose your arm it isn't like you'll grow another with time (unless of course you're a starfish) and I think the same is true with major emotional wounds. Time doesn't completely heal- you just learn to adapt and deal with the pain. Things may get easier as time passes because you've learned ways to cope but time doesn't fix whatever has caused the pain in the first place. I was thinking about the physical and emotional scars in life as I was doing crunches the other day. I had never understood how weather affected scars and things (my husband broke his arm in high school and it aches depending on the weather) but I'm beginning to get it. I don't normally notice my scar from my c-section but when I'v...

January hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be- the entire month is full of significant dates and I'm taking them one at a time... January 2 nd I heard Levi's heartbeat for the last time and asked my doctor about the lack of movement... January 9 th we received the news that there was no longer a heartbeat at what we expected to be a routine ultrasound appointment... January 14 th we got to meet Levi for the first time after he was delivered stillborn... January 20 th we buried Levi... January 28 th was Levi's due date. There's so much in each of the dates. This year I wasn't expecting to struggle with the 2 nd but Tommy and I had already decided to take off the 9 th -14 th which turned out to be just what we needed. The 9 th we went to some somewhat local gardens and just relaxed and enjoyed the time together without having to deal with people at all. I think because the day had started so well and Tommy had been so good to me I was able to cope ...

This is the official version (in blog format) of the brochure that Tommy & I have been trying to get appoved to reach out to other families experiencing loss... it just got the final thumbs up from the hospital today. I'm posting it here because if there are other families that want to honor their babies in the same way I'd be happy for you to just change the name to _____'s Hope for Tomorrow and you can just change the info for your story & stats in your state. It ends up being a little over $20 for the kit for women who miscarry and about $35 for the kits for stillbirths or infant deaths- less if people donate knitted bracelets. Feel free to pass the word along. In memory of Levi Aaron Henderson, January 14, 2008 In January of 2008 we went to the doctor for a sonogram expecting to see if our baby was in the right position for his expected arrival only to be told there was no heartbeat. The days that followed we experienced grief, shock and hope that Levi’s heartbe...

Yesterday was a lot harder than I expected. I've braced myself for the 9th (the day we found out Levi's heart had stopped) and the 14th (the day he was born still) but I didn't expect such a rush of emotions yesterday. Last year on the 2nd was the last time I heard Levi's heart beat. It was the day I asked about a lack of movement only to be told that was normal. It was the day I was given a choice for a Monday or a Wednesday appointment and I chose Wednesday. I have all these what if's and why's flying through my head causing the tears to flow down my cheeks. What if I'd gone with a different doctor, would they have listened? What if I'd known to insist on a non-stress test? What if I'd switched doctors in December? Why did God allow me to even notice a lack of movement, why didn't He just cause his heart to stop suddenly? Would Levi be here if I'd gone with the Monday appointment instead of Wednesday- or was God allowing Tommy to be there w...

I'm behind on my blogging- way behind- but I'm not complaining- it's because I've been busy at the store- no real news to share and no time to read or write. I'll take it though, with the shape of this economy and with the Christmas season I'm very happy staying too busy to blog. For the most part I've done ok with the holidays but this past weekend was interesting. We went up to Plains, GA to hear Jimmy Carter teach Sunday School and I'd been looking forward to it up until Friday. My patience can be short at times, but it's been especially short since Levi died. My mother seems to think I need to have more patience and be more compassionate towards people but I wasn't in the mood to hear it on Friday and many tears followed. Anyway, I went from really looking forward to going to do this Sunday to dreading it. So Sunday we got up at 4:45 and drove up to Plains so I was both tired and emotionally drained to begin with before the class even began. ...

I made it through one holiday without too many tears... we'll see how Christmas goes... I have a feeling it won't be so easy. I got up yesterday morning thinking about last year's Thanksgiving. It was the only time (besides labor itself) that I was in pain with the pregnancy. I think Levi was pushing against my syatic nerve and besides the meal and car ride to my parent's house I spent the whole day laying down. Ok that's a lie- I woke up and did some clean up at our house before leaving for my parents which might have caused the pains later. Who knows. Black Friday I forced myself to shop despite the pain and I went with both mothers to get all the necessities for the nursery. How I wish I could have that physical pain rather than this emotional heartbreak! This year we headed for my parent's house again. I tried to mainly zone out with the TV so I didn't have to do much thinking... I found that the history of the Macy's day parade is actually rat...

I've just finished reading The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom and I have to confess, I'm feeling a little convicted. I've felt so swallowed in my grief and my situations and I know that I've fallen short of the mark. Not that I will ever achieve perfection, I know better than to think that... but I'm disappointed in myself. If you've never read the book I highly recommend it. Her family hid Jews from the Nazis in their home in Holland and were later taken to concentration camps. What amazes me though is her heart (and her sister Betsie's as well) towards the guards and her faith in Christ. It's one of love and forgiveness. Her faith brought hope in the middle of the barracks when all circumstances around them would shout hopelessness. During the last ten months I've been so angry at God and the doctors and yet I long to have the love and faith of this woman. I've felt convicted as I've read because I know that my suffering does not even com...