Life After Levi

I think Carly has started a truly wonderful way of helping us connect when much of our lives feel so disconnected to others so here's Under the Tree for March. (If you haven't been before, click on the link and see what it's about and join) Do you have a special place in your home for your baby/ies? What is it like? Do you have any rituals that you perform in memory of your baby/ies? We moved into our house after we lost Levi and so while we have a room picked as a future nursery it hasn't ever been set up specifically for him. I have pictures of Levi around the house but the main place I feel connected is in the garden. We found an elephant fountain (as it's childlike and whimsical) and it's in the center with flowers surrounding it. There are also a few memorial items that we've gotten or have been given to us that are reminders of Levi. We've planted a few trees in the garden and other smaller flowering plants so we can watch them grow each year- an...

Saturday we had a blanket making day for the Hope for Tomorrow project. I couldn't have been more happy with the way everything turned out. God moved me toward vulnerability and nobody seemed scared away today :). I'm behind where I should be in my daily reading of the Bible but God even used that today. This morning I was moved as I read Exodus 35:30-35 "Then Moses said to the Israelites, See, the LORD has chosen Bezalel son of Uri, the son of Hur, of the tribe of Judah, 31 and he has filled him with the Spirit of God, with skill, ability and knowledge in all kinds of crafts- 32 to make artistic designs for work in gold, silver and bronze, 33 to cut and set stones, to work in wood and to engage in all kinds of artistic craftsmanship. 34 And he has given both him and Oholiab son of Ahisamach, of the tribe of Dan, the ability to teach others. 35 He has filled them with skill to do all kinds of work as craftsmen, designers, embroiderers in blue, purple and scarlet yarn and f...

I made it... I had a mini panic attack but I made it. A friend that had a little boy this January brought him by today... no advanced warning. I've seen babies as they've come in the store but I don't attempt to connect to the moms and certainly not the babies. Today though, I got a glimpse into what my life could have been like a year ago. I didn't ask to hold her son and luckily she didn't offer him to me. My husband wasn't here for help & support... He's been out of town all week. I've been really proud of the way I've handled things without him; my time management/self motivation has been a little lacking but I've really stayed on task since I haven't been able to depend on him to pick up my slack. I wish he were here today though. The baby's mama is more his friend than mine (they went to high school together) but despite him being gone they stayed and visited for a while. (I think in their defense they tried giving us a heads u...

I'm sitting outside the shop taking in the music in the park they have every year during artsfest. From what many of the locals have told me artsfest used to be a huge deal and would draw huge crowds... Most people I've talked to this year don't even realize it's occurring this week. Anyway, that's beside the point. As I'm sitting here I can't help but think of artsfest last year. I hadn't been back at work for too long but we could tell no one knew what to say and started avoiding us (and therefore also avoiding the shop) so I did what I had to do for the business. I put on the biggest smile I could muster and passed out free samples to the people in the park. I made small talk and repeated over and over that we were doing ok... I don't know if people believed me but they didn't seem as scared to talk to us after that. I wonder sometimes if I put on a smile too much... I use my blog as an outlet but rarely let people see the real me (in real lif...

So I picked up the phone and made the call. I called my friend who shared the news of her baby's birth on Jan 9th. The conversation was hard but I'm glad I did it. While we weren't the best of friends, she always talked about Levi and seemed to want to genuinely know how I was doing. I feel bad that I really can't be there for her emotionally when she needs it but I think she understands why and has let me re-initiate the lines of communication. I asked about her little girl... who at two months old is still smaller than Levi was and just got to go home from the hospital and is still hooked up to monitors. She asked about the Levi's Hope project and wants to donate blankets. She also apoligized for sharing her news on the 9th. I admitted it was (and still is) hard hearing it and told her I answered the phone only because she was due in March and then we left that subject and moved on because really nothing more needed to be said. I'm thankful for her appollogy a...

They say time heals all wounds... I think there's some truth to that statement but I think I'd have to modifiy it a little. As long as you aren't letting small cuts get infected or picking at scabs then yes, time will heal small wounds. If you loose your arm it isn't like you'll grow another with time (unless of course you're a starfish) and I think the same is true with major emotional wounds. Time doesn't completely heal- you just learn to adapt and deal with the pain. Things may get easier as time passes because you've learned ways to cope but time doesn't fix whatever has caused the pain in the first place. I was thinking about the physical and emotional scars in life as I was doing crunches the other day. I had never understood how weather affected scars and things (my husband broke his arm in high school and it aches depending on the weather) but I'm beginning to get it. I don't normally notice my scar from my c-section but when I'v...

January hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be- the entire month is full of significant dates and I'm taking them one at a time... January 2 nd I heard Levi's heartbeat for the last time and asked my doctor about the lack of movement... January 9 th we received the news that there was no longer a heartbeat at what we expected to be a routine ultrasound appointment... January 14 th we got to meet Levi for the first time after he was delivered stillborn... January 20 th we buried Levi... January 28 th was Levi's due date. There's so much in each of the dates. This year I wasn't expecting to struggle with the 2 nd but Tommy and I had already decided to take off the 9 th -14 th which turned out to be just what we needed. The 9 th we went to some somewhat local gardens and just relaxed and enjoyed the time together without having to deal with people at all. I think because the day had started so well and Tommy had been so good to me I was able to cope ...