Life After Levi

Tommy & I were talking last night about how robbed we feel... some people may think it's been enough time to stop dwelling on our loss & focusing on the future. On one hand it's been five months... on the other hand it's only been five months... if Levi were with us he'd be smiling right now and reaching for things, he'd be lifting his head and babbling. He'd still be very much a baby and we'd still very much be new parents. One of our customers came in today as I was trying to figure out when we'd be closing up for Father's day & our anniversary and started talking about how we needed to stay open for the consistancy of our customers... and we shouldn't close up just to go "play at the beach". I think this is the first time a customer's comments have actually hurt... we closed for a week while I was in the hospital and then started opening for half days but besides that the doors have been open. I quickly explained ...

SORROW In this sad world of ours, sorrow comes to all, and it often comes with bitter agony. Perfect relief is not possible, except with time. You cannot now believe that you will ever feel better. But this is not true. You are sure to be happy again. Knowing this, truly believing it, will make you less miserable now. I have had enough experience to make this statement. -Abraham Lincoln

So I made it through Mother's day, barely, and now I'm struggling to figure out what to do for Tommy for Father's day... what do you get for a childless father??? I went to get him something for the garden yesterday but they didn't have what I wanted but while I was there I overheard another customer talking about her nursery and the baby that's coming any minute now. Amidst tears I ducked into a back room and busied myself looking at other items so as not to make a scene and when I finally pulled myself together quickly made a purchase and left. To top it all off the hospital called and said the pictures of Levi were back and I could pick them up at the nurse's station. I know I should have sent Tommy to get them but I was determined to make myself go and so I braved it down the maternity ward to collect the pics. It was weird, as soon as I walked into that section of the hospital I started feeling shaky and as soon as I explained why I was there my voice ...

Yesterday was three months after the c-section so Tommy & I took the day off (thanks to Tara & Rachel) and worked on a memorial garden where we can sit & think. For being a potentially rough day it wasn't too bad- I was able to think about Levi and get out my frustrations on the weeds. The yard is already pretty well lanscaped so we're adding to it but we aren't having to start from scratch. We found a really cool (but very reasonably priced) fountain with an elephant that shoots water out of it's trunk. It's very whimsical and childlike without being an angel or little kid pouring water out of a can (no offense if those are your style). Eventually we want to add some other major things but for now we'll start with the fountain. I picked out some roses too and I'm hoping the deer won't eat them. I tried rooting some of the roses from Levi's spray and for a while it looked like half of them were going to make it but one by one they ...

There's an elephant in the room. He's my elephant, though I didn't ask for him. Some people are afraid of my elephant and me, but my elephant won't hurt them, nor is he contagious. They won't be given their own elephant just because they've reached out and touched mine. There's an elephant in the room. Some people ask about my elephant from afar but try not to notice him when they come into my room. Even when I leave my room my elephant comes with me. My elephant doesn't belong in a zoo or circus, he is my elephant to bear the burden of. There's an elephant in the room. I let people pretend they don't notice my elephant, then I just care for my elephant alone later. I know they've never had their own elephant to care for and aren't used to the looks and smells of mine. Some people have there own elephants and tell me how they've lived with theirs but have a hard time discussing mine. I think they might be scared that my elephant might...

I’ve got so many emotions now I don’t know how to deal with them all. Tommy and I are going to be moving soon (still in Bainbridge... well just outside of Bainbridge anyway). We’d been looking at places with a realtor in December & early January and put a bid on a house before I ever went to the hospital. Yesterday was our closing and afterwards we walked through the house & started thinking about how our own things would look in each of the rooms. It was hard as we talked about which room would be the study vs the guest bedroom/nursery. I know we’ll have a baby to lay in the crib one day but instead of preparing the room for Levi we’ll be planting a memorial garden for him. I’m excited about the house but can’t help but think about the plans we originally had for it. It’s all very bittersweet. The other emotions running wild are from this morning. We had our normal Thursday morning Bible study and one of the women babysits a little baby girl no more than three months ol...

Today is Maundy Thursday or Holy Thursday... the day Jesus celebrated Passover with the deciples in what we now refer to the Last Supper. Seven years ago I was baptized on Maundy Thursday (the date itself I can’t remember as Easter changes with the Jewish calendar) and so tonight I was reflecting back on my faith and growth as a Christian. For my friends that knew me growing up and even those that knew me in college you may have assumed that I’ve been a Christian for more than just the past seven years but that’s not the case. It wasn’t just a facade though, I truly was seeking God but it wasn’t until the summer I was 20 that I surrendered control of my life. I’d love to say that I’ve been the perfect Christian since then but like everyone I’ve fallen way short of the mark but each time I try to pick myself up and start again. As undeserving as I am God has blessed my life. Even though there’s been pain and sorrows this year God has still brought blessings and I feel I must praise ...