Life After Levi

I'm behind on my blogging- way behind- but I'm not complaining- it's because I've been busy at the store- no real news to share and no time to read or write. I'll take it though, with the shape of this economy and with the Christmas season I'm very happy staying too busy to blog. For the most part I've done ok with the holidays but this past weekend was interesting. We went up to Plains, GA to hear Jimmy Carter teach Sunday School and I'd been looking forward to it up until Friday. My patience can be short at times, but it's been especially short since Levi died. My mother seems to think I need to have more patience and be more compassionate towards people but I wasn't in the mood to hear it on Friday and many tears followed. Anyway, I went from really looking forward to going to do this Sunday to dreading it. So Sunday we got up at 4:45 and drove up to Plains so I was both tired and emotionally drained to begin with before the class even began. ...

I made it through one holiday without too many tears... we'll see how Christmas goes... I have a feeling it won't be so easy. I got up yesterday morning thinking about last year's Thanksgiving. It was the only time (besides labor itself) that I was in pain with the pregnancy. I think Levi was pushing against my syatic nerve and besides the meal and car ride to my parent's house I spent the whole day laying down. Ok that's a lie- I woke up and did some clean up at our house before leaving for my parents which might have caused the pains later. Who knows. Black Friday I forced myself to shop despite the pain and I went with both mothers to get all the necessities for the nursery. How I wish I could have that physical pain rather than this emotional heartbreak! This year we headed for my parent's house again. I tried to mainly zone out with the TV so I didn't have to do much thinking... I found that the history of the Macy's day parade is actually rat...

I've just finished reading The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom and I have to confess, I'm feeling a little convicted. I've felt so swallowed in my grief and my situations and I know that I've fallen short of the mark. Not that I will ever achieve perfection, I know better than to think that... but I'm disappointed in myself. If you've never read the book I highly recommend it. Her family hid Jews from the Nazis in their home in Holland and were later taken to concentration camps. What amazes me though is her heart (and her sister Betsie's as well) towards the guards and her faith in Christ. It's one of love and forgiveness. Her faith brought hope in the middle of the barracks when all circumstances around them would shout hopelessness. During the last ten months I've been so angry at God and the doctors and yet I long to have the love and faith of this woman. I've felt convicted as I've read because I know that my suffering does not even com...

The tears haven't been flowing often lately but last night the floodgates opened up. I was looking for a book I was given shortly after I lost Levi and wanted to re-read it to see if it would be appropriate for the kits I'm trying to put together. I couldn't find it but as I went into the room that will one day be a nursery I sat in the glider and looked at the few baby things we had. We don't have much because I was waiting to see what I got at my first shower- which would have been the Sunday after we got the news- and also because I wanted a surprise as far as the gender goes so we had some yellow, green & tan outfits but really not a whole lot. One of the outfits I splurged on last year got the tears flowing. I found it the day after Thanksgiving- though it wasn't on sale. It was a white one piece with a fuzzy lining and hood with tiny ears. When I first saw it I pictured our little polar bear baby bundled up in it as I didn't want them getting an...

Last night I talked to one of my pregnant friends. We'd been playing phone tag for a while and we last talked over a month ago. I listened to her message as she appoligetically told me she was sorry it'd been a while since she'd returned my call but it'd been a rough couple of weeks. I hoped she was referring to the long bout of morning sickness she'd experienced but dreaded hearing that perhaps she'd lost the baby. I struggle so much trying not to be resentful & envious of pregnant friends but I can't bear hearing that not everything is going smoothly. I don't want anyone to know the pain I've known. I quickly called her back and she first told me of the everyday trials that had come her way lately, a dead battery which complicated things at work, mounting bills, etc and then she told me of her most recent ultrasound... she found out she's having a girl... but might also have ovarian cancer. As much as I know what words of comfort I w...

Last night we had some friends over for pizza & a movie. In between running around after our crazy dog one of the kids asked me if I'd had kids or was planning on it. I explained that we'd had a son who passed away, not sure how much detail to go into for a nine/ten year old. He then asked how old he was when he died and I told him it was just before he would've been born. That answer seemed to satisfy him and he continued on chasing his siblings around. Later on he came back with more questions asking the meaning of a stone in the garden (It reads: No farewell words were spoken, no time to say goodbye; You were gone before we knew it, and only God knows why). I mentioned that it was because we lost our son. He said "Yeah, I know, but what does it mean?" I wish that adults wouldn't be so afraid to ask questions and talk about what's on their mind. It seems to me that it's so much easier when Levi is apart of conversations rather than people...

Today one of our regulars brought her niece in with her. She was adorable and all smiles. As we made a drink in the blender she looked in it's direction, intrigued by the new sound. I normally don't ask how old the babies are that come in but this time I just couldn't help myself. Her aunt told me she's nine months. I should've known. If Levi had lived he'd be that age too. Since it was a little girl it was a little easier but seeing her curiosity and smiles made my heart ache for him. I'm glad I asked though because I always wonder what milestones Levi would be hitting and since I don't have any other kids I really don't have a point of reference so this in a way actually was therapeutic.